6 weeks

It’s been a little more than 6 weeks since husband died. Life has continued for the rest of us. I struggle, daily, to keep a strong front for the children while I’m slowly dying inside.

I miss him. As I lay in bed after work, I find myself thinking about him. The tears wet my cheeks at the drop of a hat. It’s annoying, honestly. Today I was at the grocery store and someone asked if I was ok. Tears were streaming down my face and I hadn’t realised I was crying. I can’t seem to do anything but work without crying and even that is hard if someone says anything about my husband.

I started a new job last week. I’m now working as a shipping clerk in a tiny little company that treats me more like family than an employee. It’s very nice but very hard work. So many things I have to learn and it’s all on the job training. I come home exhausted every day. An hour nap and I’m a little better but man, the last hour of work is torture!

Youngest is struggling with his schooling. Not in the coursework but actually DOING it. He is so far behind in his classes that I worry he will fail even though his grades are awesome. I may have to put him in public school or get him a tutor.

Middle is feeling horrible. I think depression is gripping him. He is angry at husband for not apologizing for being so mean to him and cannot seem to let it go. Anger is common with him right now and I fear he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has started therapy but I don’t think it’s the right kind.

Eldest is making me crazy. She REFUSES to do ANY chores. She is sleeping a LOT and has been late for work frequently in the past couple of weeks. It’s almost like she has NO work ethics. I truly don’t understand why it’s so damned hard for her to get out of bed lately. Is she just being defiant or is she depressed as well?


I have to remind myself that we are all grieving in our own way. I just wish I could help them but right now I’m barely holding on myself.


46 days and counting.


Life with a schizophrenic

Eldest is schizophrenic and has decided that she no longer needs to eat. Husband has been onto her about her weight and she has decided to starve herself. This started about 3 weeks ago. I found out three days ago. Two weeks ago, she stopped all her meds. This I also found out three days ago. She said they were making her throw up.

Well duh!

Now I’ll tell you how I found all this out.

Monday, daughter went to her therapy, supposedly. I say supposedly because we got a call about her missing her appointment. When confronted with this tidbit, she said that she had gotten there late because she missed the bus and that, when she got there, they had her reschedule.

She then goes on to say that it didn’t matter anyway because they were about to drop her because she has missed too many appointments.

Tuesday she had another appointment with her therapist and I made sure she left the house with buds pass, money, wallet and whatever else she needed. Tuesday afternoon she was home and was acting erratically. We called her therapist, then the crisis line. Got things calmed down and went to bed.

Wednesday, I went to work. At 11am I was called by husband who informed me that Adult Protective services was here. Talking to daughter about last week when husband had to put her in a restraint hold because she was throwing things and generally being violent. They were gone by the time I got home at 1:30.

At 2:15, three police officers were at my door. They questioned daughter, husband and youngest then left. They didn’t talk to me or middle.

At 4:00, youngest came to my room with severe stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Nothing physically evident but when I told the doctor about the things that had happened, he said it COULD have been psychosomatic in nature.

Yesterday was pretty intense.. Not a lot of drama but eldest and husband were “discussing” things and daughter was loud and borderline belligerent.

Its almost 6am now and I’m going to the food bank to work till 1. God PLEASE let today be calm. I’d like to get through one day without crying.

I’m teetering on the brink of insanity myself. Every day this week, I’ve fought the tears. Yesterday I broke down in tears in front of my boss for the first time in my time there. Two years. She said “my God, how do you do it? You come in every day and are always full of smiles. I’d be a basket case!” I laughed and said ” You see me as I want to be seen but behind the mask is a really fucked up person.” ¬†She hugged me and said “You aren’t fucked up. Your one of the strongest women I know.”

She doesn’t know what that meant to me.

Learning to be Peaceful

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue but I’ve been working on my tact. I’m normally the first person to make snide retorts when I’ve been hurt by someone’s words but I’m learning.

My daughter has been going with me to the food bank. Two days last week she went and worked. Friday a woman, with whom I’ve had issues with before, came in and started getting ready to work. I introduced her to my daughter and they exchanged pleasantries then my daughter went back to work, clear across the warehouse from this woman.

Three hours later, the woman came to me and said “I can definitely see she’s your daughter. It’s always drama with her.”

I just laughed it off and continued working. I asked my daughter if she’d said anything to the woman and she said “not since she came in. I’ve been too busy!”

Later, this same woman came to me and said something that I ALMOST lost my cool over. I was talking to another lady about my health and Snippy (my nickname for this woman) said “You’re not the only one with issues you know” My remark to her? “Yeah, I know, you seem to be suffering from mental health issues.” She left me alone for the rest of the day.

Today, I was in a LOT of pain with my shoulder but I kept working, unloading three pallets of cases full of milk and cottage cheese. I noticed she stood back and watched. She said “I’d help but my back hurts”. My comment to her “that’s ok, we able bodied folks got this. Why don’t you go see if there’s a box of chips you can raid”

The able-bodied folks included an 85 year old woman, myself, a guy who only had his left arm and a 3 foot tall woman. We got it done and what surprised me was no one said anything about it. They ALL dislike her, mostly because of her attitude.

She talks about being a Christian, how she goes to church every Sunday yet she cannot say one nice thing to anyone. I’m trying to be civil. I’m learning to be at peace with those around me. It’s hard but… I’m learning.

Either that or I’m waiting for an opportunity to catch her alone and kick her ass…