Life with a schizophrenic

Eldest is schizophrenic and has decided that she no longer needs to eat. Husband has been onto her about her weight and she has decided to starve herself. This started about 3 weeks ago. I found out three days ago. Two weeks ago, she stopped all her meds. This I also found out three days ago. She said they were making her throw up.

Well duh!

Now I’ll tell you how I found all this out.

Monday, daughter went to her therapy, supposedly. I say supposedly because we got a call about her missing her appointment. When confronted with this tidbit, she said that she had gotten there late because she missed the bus and that, when she got there, they had her reschedule.

She then goes on to say that it didn’t matter anyway because they were about to drop her because she has missed too many appointments.

Tuesday she had another appointment with her therapist and I made sure she left the house with buds pass, money, wallet and whatever else she needed. Tuesday afternoon she was home and was acting erratically. We called her therapist, then the crisis line. Got things calmed down and went to bed.

Wednesday, I went to work. At 11am I was called by husband who informed me that Adult Protective services was here. Talking to daughter about last week when husband had to put her in a restraint hold because she was throwing things and generally being violent. They were gone by the time I got home at 1:30.

At 2:15, three police officers were at my door. They questioned daughter, husband and youngest then left. They didn’t talk to me or middle.

At 4:00, youngest came to my room with severe stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Nothing physically evident but when I told the doctor about the things that had happened, he said it COULD have been psychosomatic in nature.

Yesterday was pretty intense.. Not a lot of drama but eldest and husband were “discussing” things and daughter was loud and borderline belligerent.

Its almost 6am now and I’m going to the food bank to work till 1. God PLEASE let today be calm. I’d like to get through one day without crying.

I’m teetering on the brink of insanity myself. Every day this week, I’ve fought the tears. Yesterday I broke down in tears in front of my boss for the first time in my time there. Two years. She said “my God, how do you do it? You come in every day and are always full of smiles. I’d be a basket case!” I laughed and said ” You see me as I want to be seen but behind the mask is a really fucked up person.”  She hugged me and said “You aren’t fucked up. Your one of the strongest women I know.”

She doesn’t know what that meant to me.

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Sore, tired and achy :(

Last night wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Only one of the dogs slept against my spine. The other crammed herself against my buttox and rested quietly. Today, I hurt so, I’m smoking my pain killer and hoping things calm down appreciably.

 

Something I haven’t talked about much is mental illness. It is prevalent in my family. Husband is bipolar and has early dementia, elder child is schizophrenic and bipolar,  Middle has mild autism and youngest has panic disorder. I myself have been diagnosed with many different mental issues over the years including bipolar, multiple personality disorder (mpd/did) social anxiety and depression.

I am, for the past 14 years, unmedicated. Husband takes numerous medications as does elder child. The other two are not medicated. I can always tell when husband and elder haven’t taken their meds. Things start to get a bit wild around here.

 

Living in a house with this much disorder and chaos is hard. The pins and needles, walking on eggshells and constant diligence on my part are wearing me down. I definitely FEEL the pressure when it starts to rise.

Husband doesn’t do well when the house is full like it is today so he’s crawled into his computer and it might be a few hours before we speak with him again. At least he’s not violent today. Daughter has crawled into the garage with her laptop. She’ll be out for dinner…. maybe. Middle has gone to his job. He seems to be thriving well at work and yesterday I talked to his supervisor who said he’s a joy to work with, never gives her any lip and is so very respectful to the customers. Made my heart swell to hear that! Youngest is playing video games with his internet friends, as per usual. Mom is reading on the couch and elder brother is at the kitchen table working on a thesis. After 10 years of homelessness, he’s almost finished his doctorate in aerospace engineering! I’m so very proud of him!

I wonder, in the dark of night, what will become of my family in the near future. In five years, will my babies all be out on their own or will they still be in my home? I KNOW middle will be gone. He hates it here because of husband. Eldest might still be here… youngest will be here, I think. Husband may be gone by then. Dementia is an awful disease…. Either he’ll be gone or I will. One way or another.

Santana….

I’m feeling a bit better today. This cough still rumbles through me like a freight train but, they come less frequently. My fibro is flared, of course and yesterday I started my moon. It always happens all at once, right ladies?

Today husband has been mildly irritated at the children, my mother and life in general. The children didn’t do their chores in a timely manner so he did them… loudly. Mouse daughter was almost whispering her words all day so I understand she was feeling the pressure of his words and actions. Even youngest has cried himself to sleep already… He’s been asleep since 7 pm.

 

Older brother is staying the night and possibly tomorrow night as well. A man at the homeless shelter he’s been staying in threatened his life so he has to go get a restraining order against the man. The police station will be open in the morning. He cannot stay here because he is a sex offender. If the office knew he was here, we would be evicted.

As of now, there are 7 people in my 2 bedroom apartment. There is no horizontal spot left for anyone to sleep on, unless we clear the counters!. Elder brother is sleeping on the dog bed for heavens sake! And GUESS where the dogs are!

 

It’s going to be a long night…. Thank heavens there’s Santana to listen to.

Another Day

Well, it’s been a fairly quiet week. Not many fights or issues. I went to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and it was peaceful when I got home. Yesterday was good except my pain was through the roof. Today has been…. a day.

It was OK till I was making dinner and husband stepped on my big toe hard enough to make me cry out in pain. He glared at me and stormed out of the house like it was MY fault he stepped on my toe! No “sorry dear” or “are you OK?” No, it was a look that said “What the hell you yelling for?”

Middle son had to finish cooking so I could put ice on it and clean the blood where my ingrown nail had cut into the flesh. He took the dog with him when he left and when he got back, told my son he could have his dinner because husband wasn’t going to eat.

Husband does that when he’s upset/angry/irritated. He refuses to eat my cooking. It’s, after all, my fault he’s upset. Why would he want to eat something cooked if it’s MY fault? Passive aggressive much?

Just another one of the subtle abuses we suffer here on the daily. Thank God my children are here. The youngest saw the look husband shot me and HE’S getting tired of husbands shit.

 

I’ve started saving change so that I can get enough money to move out. I started the “Penny A Day” savings plan where you put a penny in a jar on day one, two on day two, three on day three and so forth. I should have about 700 by this time next year. More if I can get middle to give me his small change once a week. I put the money in one of the candle jars that has cloth around it. Husband never looks at it so it should be safe. Just in case, I’ve given it to the childrens Godmother for safe keeping.

 

Mother is still here on the couch, much to husbands consternation. He wants her GONE and makes no secret about it. Youngest told him to shut it because he LIKES gramma here and he said she can stay as long as she wants to. I love my baby so much 🙂

 

Christmas Joy in the worst of times

Christmas was a pretty great day. The local police brought a bunch of presents to the children, much to their delight. My cousin sent each of the kids a 50 dollar gift card and my mother was stopped as she was walking home from work and given 20 dollars by a complete stranger.

Husband has been quiet and non combative, thank the stars! Sixteen year old is adjusting to his first job well and my older brother came to stay for a few days.

Initially he was only going to stay till Saturday but the snow fell deeper than initially predicted and I couldn’t let him leave. He’s homeless and… where would he go??

I could tell, over the weekend, that husband was trying VERY hard not to cause a scene. He would come into the bedroom and fuss over me because I have been dealing with a migraine since Friday evening. It’s still here on Monday morning.

This morning, husband has already started on middle son. Complaining that middle hasn’t been very helpful in doing the dishes and his chores. Middle voiced his frustration at being griped at first thing in the morning and husband got loud.

ANNNND the cycle begins again.

Utter Exhaustion

Today I’m of a mind to sleep all day but I have things to do. I’ll be taking my mother some canned goods today and picking up my sewing machine. Hopefully I can talk to her this weekend. I need mommy advice.

My eldest is in the hospital, getting stabilized on her meds. Youngest child went for his titration on Thursday and I spent too much money on food while we were gone. Husband is not pleased. It’s been quiet this weekend but I know he’s angry just by the way he’s acting. The snide comments, the sighs, the frustration in his voice.

He hit me last night. In his sleep, he punched me in the back as I slept. Today, I’m sore on my right shoulder blade by my spine and I have a bruise, angry and purple. Youngest saw it and asked me what happened. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know.

I wonder if he was acting out in his sleep what he wants to do in waking life. It wouldn’t surprise me. I wonder if he was really asleep. That frightens me.

I’ve been utterly exhausted all week but I’ve kept on keeping on. As I will continue to do. Till I can’t anymore.

Police and Lack of Intervention

Today the police were at my house. Three of them. Because middle child punched husband in the mouth.

No one went to jail. They told son to control himself and husband was told he could discipline son.

Absolutely nothing was done.

I was not at home when the fight happened. I’d gone to take my mother some food because she is pretty much out. I was gone for 2 hours.

I guess this means I can’t leave them alone together at ALL so I can’t go to work the food bank anymore.

Feeling defeated today 😦