Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.





Youngest and I went to the museum yesterday. We took the bus down and wandered the halls of science and nature for three hours, learning and seeing things he’d never seen before. Then we went downtown and ate lunch, shopped for new pants for him and went to the candy store. We visited with my homeless brother at the library and went to catch the train home. It was such an awesome day.

Then we came home.

My niece texted me as we walked home from the stop and said her husband had gotten out of jail and was on his way to my house. To see her. She had told him she was staying with me. The big problem was that she had lied to him and now I had to deal with that drama.


Oh and get this….

She got fired a week ago from her job because she couldn’t find a babysitter. She’s now working in one of those illegal brothels. With the baby.

It makes me cry to think of it. Now her husband is out and she hasn’t told him what she’s doing.

First thing this morning, he asked me if we could sit down and smoke some weed.He was about to leave for the probation office for crying out loud! What kind of man is this!!?? I can see now that I’m going to have to sit them down and talk to them. It’s time for them to grow up and be responsible! If not for themselves, for their son.

I swear, I’m feeling like everyone’s Mama here

Feeling a bit lost today..

Today, the day after we celebrated Christmas, I was told about my Jewish lineage.

To say I was stunned would be an understatement.

All my life, I thought I was just Irish and Indian but, it turns out that there is German blood in there as well. Jewish German blood.

My mother spoke to me about my lineage today and told me stories about my grandmother and HER mothers escape from Germany right before the Holocaust. I didn’t ask but wondered why she waited to tell me. I’m 46 years old for crying out loud!

Now I have to wonder what else I’ve not been told that I SHOULD have been told…

Police and Lack of Intervention

Today the police were at my house. Three of them. Because middle child punched husband in the mouth.

No one went to jail. They told son to control himself and husband was told he could discipline son.

Absolutely nothing was done.

I was not at home when the fight happened. I’d gone to take my mother some food because she is pretty much out. I was gone for 2 hours.

I guess this means I can’t leave them alone together at ALL so I can’t go to work the food bank anymore.

Feeling defeated today 😦

How Long?

I sit here wondering how much longer I can stand this crap. I’m tired. The kids are tired. We are all sick and tired of walking on eggshells. How much till I finally snap and either remove him, permanently, from our lives or pack up the kids and leave?

First thing this morning, I left my bedroom and went into the kitchen where husband was griping about the hooks being pulled off the wall, again. We have these Command hooks on the wall and the only one that always manages to come off is the one my sons dogs leash is hooked to. I know why it’s coming off but if I told husband, he’d flip shit.

When the dog wants to go for a walk and no one is paying attention to her, she grabs the leash and pulls. She weighs enough that the hook just pops off the wall. I tried to tell him that but he blew up at me, saying I was taking up for my son. {Le sigh}

He’s sulking this week. Again. Like a petulant child who isn’t getting his way. All weekend I’ve had to be out among them, trying to keep the peace with minimal success. Husband acted like a complete ass in front of sons friend. I’m not even sure why!

How much longer? I pray a way comes open soon. I don’t know how much more I can take.


Migraine, Seizure, Domestic Violence Test

So, yesterday I wasn’t feeling real well. Got out of bed with visual auras at 10AM. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, let me show you a clip. Mine is called the Fortification Spectrum.

My auras usually last 20 minutes, giving me time to get my meds, lay down and let the meds kick in before the headache is at it’s worst. Yesterday, it lasted 5 minutes.

I took my meds and laid down in my room, sans noise, light or ANY electronics. I shut EVERYTHING off. Then I fell asleep by 10:45 (this after sleeping 15 hours day/night before.

At 5 I woke up, head still hurting but not as bad. I knew from experience that the headache was on the downhill slide. Husband comes in and says the boys found me on the floor around 12:00, head beside the desk, feet in the bathroom. I was unresponsive for round 30 seconds and weak, stumbling and incoherent while the three of them got me to the bed.

Not sure if it was a seizure but it FEELS like I had one. I’m tired.. no, EXHAUSTED and sore. Not Fibro sore, more like grand mal sore. I think I might have sprained or broken my pinkie too… The knuckle is painful and swollen.

Husband cancelled youngests appointment to his dr so I would be able to rest. Unfortunately that means we have to start his treatments all over again on the 19th. *sigh* Husband COULDN’T take son to the drs. He had to go across town to pick his motorcycle up from the shop….

Priorities, right?

My doctor asked why I didn’t go to the ER. I told him that, by the time I woke up, everything was done. He wants me to get an MRI on my head to make sure it wasn’t a stroke.

Can’t WAIT to tell husband THAT wonderful bit of news…

I’ve been doing some research on something and have come to understand, I think, what’s wrong with my husband. Something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I also did one of those mini quizzes… Scored an 18

If you scored… Then…
11 & up
6 – 10
0 – 5
Domestic abuse is likely
Domestic abuse is possible
Domestic abuse is unlikely

You are the victim of emotional abuse if your partner:

  • Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating.
  • Always claims to be right.
  • Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
  • Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
  • Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
  • Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
  • Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
  • Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
  • Monitors your phone calls.

You are a victim of physical abuse if your partner:

  • Intimidates you through angry or threatening gestures.
  • Destroys your belongings or household items.
  • Coerces you to have sex or perform sexual acts against your will.
  • Kicks, bites, stabs, pushes, burns or chokes you.
  • Uses weapons to threaten or harm you or others you love.

Yeah…. so… I’m definitely at a crossroads in my life right now.

Oh and the washing machine issue… it WAS my middle childs fault. He washed a stuffed animal in the washer and it tore open…. Husband has been cocky as hell and on sons ass since we found out.

There will be no living with that man for a few days….