Adrift in this sea called life

via Daily Prompt: Adrift

Today the storm has swelled. I am overwhelmed with the very thought of taking care of my family, my husband in particular. With tears in my eyes, I’ve watched him struggle all day. The dementia washes over him deeply today and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. It’s like he’s adrift at sea, tossed by the thoughts that have no rhyme or reason. Where will he land? Will tomorrow see the storm calmed? I can see him drowning and there’s no life preserver in sight. I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do.

He asked when middle son had to leave for prom. Middle son is homeschooled. There is no prom. He is so lost and I don’t know what I can do to help him. He asks when eldest is getting home as he takes the 2 hour old dinner from the microwave and starts to toss it in the trash because he thinks it’s left over from last night. Eldest is in her room, talking to middle and hasn’t left the house all day. It’s 8 P.M. He thinks it’s morning. He doesn’t realise it’s the youngest child’s dinner, keeping warm till he awakens from his slumber.

I try to get him to go back to the bed he’s lain in all day. He argues and fusses that he’s not tired. He stumbles from the kitchen as I make him scrambled eggs and hash browns with a bit of bacon chopped up in it. I give him his plate and he spills half on the floor.  He tries to clean it up but the dogs beat him to it. They have grown accustomed to cleaning up after him I think.

I wonder, briefly, if he’s had a stroke as I watch him eat. He chokes, momentarily, on the food and my breath catches. Will I have to put him in the hospital again with aspiration pneumonia or should I just let him go? I have to walk away, feigning a bathroom break, so I can allow the tears to stream freely down my cheeks for a few minutes. Waves of grief wash over me as I’m tossed about, emotionally, like driftwood in a hurricane.

I’m adrift on the sea of emotion. Alone in my torment. I have noone to talk to. The one person I had to talk to is adrift in a different part of the storm. Lost to me. Drowning.

 

Advertisements

After 15 years…

Today marks the first day of a new life.

I have struggled with my oral health for over 20 years. Tooth decay, broken teeth after being tortured and raped for three weeks, bad eating habits and NO dental intervention as a child.

In June, I was accepted into a program which finds dental professionals who are willing to work with disabled people by making dentures and doing dental work for free. In November I had dentures made.

The day before Christmas I was told that they had found an oral surgeon who was willing and able to do the work. On my birthday I called them and set up my appointment. Last week was the initial consult and today…. This is the day!

I’m excitedly terrified. Excited because I’ve waited so long for this day and it’s finally here. The day that I no longer have constant pain. The day that my sinus pain from my teeth stops. This is the first day of my life!!

I know, I’m being overly dramatic but, if you had to live with constant pain, throbbing, infections and the inability to eat, you’d understand. It’s been hell.

This is the perfect example of the problem with healthcare in this country, especially for disabled and elderly poor. We are given Medicaid by the state but not all Medicaid covers dental for adults. Most don’t in fact. Glasses are another issue. Some states cover them, some don’t.

Poor people in America are told “Go to the dentist” but when the dental care you NEED is going to cost you the same as your food budget for a month (or in my case 5!!) then you make sacrifices. Usually to the tune of poor health.

When you can’t chew, you can’t eat properly. We are told, especially when we are fat “eat healthier. Eat fresh veggies and fruit” Um, HELLO, I have no usable teeth! YOU try eating kale without teeth. Or an apple, pear, carrot…. Yeah right. I’ve had to juice my food for three years. I can eat solid food, IF it’s soft, like sandwiches and eggs. I’ve had to be creative with my eating AND my childrens diets. It hasn’t been easy.

Today, that all ends.

I know I’ll be sore for a while and the dentures will take some time to get used to but you know what? I’m ecstatic that it’s going to be done!

Namaste my friends 🙂

Life with a schizophrenic

Eldest is schizophrenic and has decided that she no longer needs to eat. Husband has been onto her about her weight and she has decided to starve herself. This started about 3 weeks ago. I found out three days ago. Two weeks ago, she stopped all her meds. This I also found out three days ago. She said they were making her throw up.

Well duh!

Now I’ll tell you how I found all this out.

Monday, daughter went to her therapy, supposedly. I say supposedly because we got a call about her missing her appointment. When confronted with this tidbit, she said that she had gotten there late because she missed the bus and that, when she got there, they had her reschedule.

She then goes on to say that it didn’t matter anyway because they were about to drop her because she has missed too many appointments.

Tuesday she had another appointment with her therapist and I made sure she left the house with buds pass, money, wallet and whatever else she needed. Tuesday afternoon she was home and was acting erratically. We called her therapist, then the crisis line. Got things calmed down and went to bed.

Wednesday, I went to work. At 11am I was called by husband who informed me that Adult Protective services was here. Talking to daughter about last week when husband had to put her in a restraint hold because she was throwing things and generally being violent. They were gone by the time I got home at 1:30.

At 2:15, three police officers were at my door. They questioned daughter, husband and youngest then left. They didn’t talk to me or middle.

At 4:00, youngest came to my room with severe stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Nothing physically evident but when I told the doctor about the things that had happened, he said it COULD have been psychosomatic in nature.

Yesterday was pretty intense.. Not a lot of drama but eldest and husband were “discussing” things and daughter was loud and borderline belligerent.

Its almost 6am now and I’m going to the food bank to work till 1. God PLEASE let today be calm. I’d like to get through one day without crying.

I’m teetering on the brink of insanity myself. Every day this week, I’ve fought the tears. Yesterday I broke down in tears in front of my boss for the first time in my time there. Two years. She said “my God, how do you do it? You come in every day and are always full of smiles. I’d be a basket case!” I laughed and said ” You see me as I want to be seen but behind the mask is a really fucked up person.”  She hugged me and said “You aren’t fucked up. Your one of the strongest women I know.”

She doesn’t know what that meant to me.

Snowbodies Business

Well, it’s Tuesday and I have a house full, again. Niece and her baby came over yesterday and were snowed in with us. Her toddler son has been harassing the dogs to the point where the female bit him. Not hard, mind you, just enough to put the fear of God into him. He hasn’t touched her since.

Being stuck in the house with Husband has been trying. Nobody has gone ANYWHERE today and, at 1:30 in the afternoon, we are all starting to feel the cabin fever set in. I’m just glad I talked mother into staying home from work today. I had visions of her laying in the snow, dead. My doctor called and cancelled my appointment so I still don’t know what’s wrong with my ears other than I can’t hear.

Boy dog is doing better. Almost done with his meds and he seems none the worst for wear. Middle made pancakes for breakfast, eldest is on her computer, as usual after sleeping till noon. Youngest is playing video games and husband is watching Zombie Nation or something. I have written in my blog, played some Star Wars and drank a pot of coffee. I wrenched my back yesterday shoveling snow and am hurting like crazy. Heating pad and Tylenol are my best friends today.

Medical care in Troubled Times

I have been ill for over two weeks now. It started out with a cold/flu and progressed till I am unable to hear. After husband figured out I was ignoring him because I couldn’t HEAR him, he took me to the doctor this morning.

I have a double ear infection and sinus infection. The doctor asked me why I hadn’t come in last week and I just looked at husband. He told her we didn’t have the copay (of 5 dollars) She sighed and just wrote in her book. Now I’m on antibiotics and he’s irritated because the whole bill was 7 dollars. She prescribed other meds as well but he wouldn’t buy them.

 

I’m just going to go to sleep for a while.

Another Day

Well, it’s been a fairly quiet week. Not many fights or issues. I went to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and it was peaceful when I got home. Yesterday was good except my pain was through the roof. Today has been…. a day.

It was OK till I was making dinner and husband stepped on my big toe hard enough to make me cry out in pain. He glared at me and stormed out of the house like it was MY fault he stepped on my toe! No “sorry dear” or “are you OK?” No, it was a look that said “What the hell you yelling for?”

Middle son had to finish cooking so I could put ice on it and clean the blood where my ingrown nail had cut into the flesh. He took the dog with him when he left and when he got back, told my son he could have his dinner because husband wasn’t going to eat.

Husband does that when he’s upset/angry/irritated. He refuses to eat my cooking. It’s, after all, my fault he’s upset. Why would he want to eat something cooked if it’s MY fault? Passive aggressive much?

Just another one of the subtle abuses we suffer here on the daily. Thank God my children are here. The youngest saw the look husband shot me and HE’S getting tired of husbands shit.

 

I’ve started saving change so that I can get enough money to move out. I started the “Penny A Day” savings plan where you put a penny in a jar on day one, two on day two, three on day three and so forth. I should have about 700 by this time next year. More if I can get middle to give me his small change once a week. I put the money in one of the candle jars that has cloth around it. Husband never looks at it so it should be safe. Just in case, I’ve given it to the childrens Godmother for safe keeping.

 

Mother is still here on the couch, much to husbands consternation. He wants her GONE and makes no secret about it. Youngest told him to shut it because he LIKES gramma here and he said she can stay as long as she wants to. I love my baby so much 🙂

 

Crappy New Year!

Well, this year has started out well….

 

NOT

 

Husband is on a rampage this morning after finding out the children have eaten almost all of HIS cereal. After arguing with the children and my mother, he’s stormed out of the house without his coat. It’s only 30 degrees outside.

I really don’t care. I have found myself giving zero fucks today.

 

I had a major tooth ache yesterday and spent my midnight swishing with Ora-gel and downing three Tylenol. This morning the left side of my face is swollen and hot. I have an abscess and no money to get it fixed. Hopefully the infection sets in and finally ends all this damned suffering. The only problem with that would be leaving the kids in the hands of that monster I’m married to.

 

Wish me luck.