Indecision

Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.

 

 

Life happens

I’ve spent the last two weeks in the hospital. Agony would be an understatement! Turns out I had a 7mm kidney stone that got lodged in the ureter between the kidney and the bladder. It was EXCRUCIATING. They placed a stent and for two weeks I hurt. My bladder and kidney were spasming so bad that they put me in the hospital to control the pain.

For two weeks my husband was alone with my children.

They all survived. Much to the amazement of my beloved husband.

While I was in the hospital, my husband totalled the motorcycle, my only transportation to work. Now I can’t go to work unless a coworker comes to get me.

Discovered my step mother has colon cancer while I was in the hospital. That prompted my father to get a colonoscopy…. They found a mass. Waiting on the results now, supposed to know something Monday. If you pray, please pray for them.

 

Medical care in Troubled Times

I have been ill for over two weeks now. It started out with a cold/flu and progressed till I am unable to hear. After husband figured out I was ignoring him because I couldn’t HEAR him, he took me to the doctor this morning.

I have a double ear infection and sinus infection. The doctor asked me why I hadn’t come in last week and I just looked at husband. He told her we didn’t have the copay (of 5 dollars) She sighed and just wrote in her book. Now I’m on antibiotics and he’s irritated because the whole bill was 7 dollars. She prescribed other meds as well but he wouldn’t buy them.

 

I’m just going to go to sleep for a while.

Santana….

I’m feeling a bit better today. This cough still rumbles through me like a freight train but, they come less frequently. My fibro is flared, of course and yesterday I started my moon. It always happens all at once, right ladies?

Today husband has been mildly irritated at the children, my mother and life in general. The children didn’t do their chores in a timely manner so he did them… loudly. Mouse daughter was almost whispering her words all day so I understand she was feeling the pressure of his words and actions. Even youngest has cried himself to sleep already… He’s been asleep since 7 pm.

 

Older brother is staying the night and possibly tomorrow night as well. A man at the homeless shelter he’s been staying in threatened his life so he has to go get a restraining order against the man. The police station will be open in the morning. He cannot stay here because he is a sex offender. If the office knew he was here, we would be evicted.

As of now, there are 7 people in my 2 bedroom apartment. There is no horizontal spot left for anyone to sleep on, unless we clear the counters!. Elder brother is sleeping on the dog bed for heavens sake! And GUESS where the dogs are!

 

It’s going to be a long night…. Thank heavens there’s Santana to listen to.

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….

Crappy New Year!

Well, this year has started out well….

 

NOT

 

Husband is on a rampage this morning after finding out the children have eaten almost all of HIS cereal. After arguing with the children and my mother, he’s stormed out of the house without his coat. It’s only 30 degrees outside.

I really don’t care. I have found myself giving zero fucks today.

 

I had a major tooth ache yesterday and spent my midnight swishing with Ora-gel and downing three Tylenol. This morning the left side of my face is swollen and hot. I have an abscess and no money to get it fixed. Hopefully the infection sets in and finally ends all this damned suffering. The only problem with that would be leaving the kids in the hands of that monster I’m married to.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Utter Exhaustion

Today I’m of a mind to sleep all day but I have things to do. I’ll be taking my mother some canned goods today and picking up my sewing machine. Hopefully I can talk to her this weekend. I need mommy advice.

My eldest is in the hospital, getting stabilized on her meds. YoungestĀ child went for his titration on Thursday and I spent too much money on food while we were gone. Husband is not pleased. It’s been quiet this weekend but I know he’s angry just by the way he’s acting. The snide comments, the sighs, the frustration in his voice.

He hit me last night. In his sleep, he punched me in the back as I slept. Today, I’m sore on my right shoulder blade by my spine and I have a bruise, angry and purple. Youngest saw it and asked me what happened. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know.

I wonder if he was acting out in his sleep what he wants to do in waking life. It wouldn’t surprise me. I wonder if he was really asleep. That frightens me.

I’ve been utterly exhausted all week but I’ve kept on keeping on. As I will continue to do. Till I can’t anymore.