Indecision

Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.

 

 

A Stroll through Motherhood

Stroll prompt

Today is a melancholy day for me. Mothers day is hard for me for some reason. It’s 7 AM and already I’m crying.

Memories of the childrens births, their first steps, their first words… Everything comes back to me on this day. Every year is different. Most of the time the kids do nothing for Mothers Day, it’s just another day to them. Some years are sweet with home made posters and crafts, some years it’s fighting and arguing all day.

This year, thus far, my 16 year old is playing video games and when I ask what he’s doing today, I hear “celebrating Mothers day and chilling.” When I ask how he’s going to celebrate….. Nothing. He didn’t even hear me. I am, again, ignored in the middle of a conversation. I should be used to it by now….

My 13 year old is in the shower after coming in and hugging me the minute he found out I was awake. He wished me a happy Mothers day and informed me that he was hungry. Le Sigh.

Daughter is still asleep. Not expecting to even see her today. She’s taken to her bed again and I hear her crying frequently. I wish I could help her…. It breaks my heart to hear her sobbing in the dark.

I spent the last week moving mother into her own home. She now has her own place! Sixty five years she’s lived with someone and now is alone. I took a rocking chair to her house yesterday while she was out with my niece. Still haven’t heard if she likes it or not. I worry about her being alone but her place is on my way to work so I’ll check on her a few times a week.  She’s supposed to come to dinner today. We’ll see. If nothing else, I’ll take her dinner and some cake that husband made for us for Mother’s day.

Yesterday

Youngest and I went to the museum yesterday. We took the bus down and wandered the halls of science and nature for three hours, learning and seeing things he’d never seen before. Then we went downtown and ate lunch, shopped for new pants for him and went to the candy store. We visited with my homeless brother at the library and went to catch the train home. It was such an awesome day.

Then we came home.

My niece texted me as we walked home from the stop and said her husband had gotten out of jail and was on his way to my house. To see her. She had told him she was staying with me. The big problem was that she had lied to him and now I had to deal with that drama.

 

Oh and get this….

She got fired a week ago from her job because she couldn’t find a babysitter. She’s now working in one of those illegal brothels. With the baby.

It makes me cry to think of it. Now her husband is out and she hasn’t told him what she’s doing.

First thing this morning, he asked me if we could sit down and smoke some weed.He was about to leave for the probation office for crying out loud! What kind of man is this!!?? I can see now that I’m going to have to sit them down and talk to them. It’s time for them to grow up and be responsible! If not for themselves, for their son.

I swear, I’m feeling like everyone’s Mama here

Therapy…

Today I went with middle for his therapy and ended up doing most of the talking. The therapist told me I really needed to get husband out of the house. I agreed. When you decide to take charge of your life, how do you get the offender to actually leave?

I asked the childrens godfather to find me a gun. I’m afraid I actually need one because of husband.

Husband started yelling at mother today. I knew it was just a matter of time. Now I’m having to do damage control.

 

*sigh* Will it ever end?

 

Fourteen years and counting

Yesterday was Youngests thirteenth birthday. It was, blessedly, quiet and full of fun for him. It was just the family, sans gramma because she had to go babysit my nieces son for the weekend. My older brother came and spent the night.

Husband was quiet. He baked a pineapple upside down cake for Youngest. He cooked dinner and was peaceful. I’m grateful for that beyond words.

 

Husband and I have been together fourteen years. Our fourteenth anniversary will be May 1st. The past four have been harder and harder to cope with. After his illness four years ago, he changed. He’s been more violent, less patient and more passive aggressive. He’s withdrawn into his computer. He spends more and more time watching videos and not talking to the family except to complain and cajoal the children. He is becoming more and more unbearable, to the point that youngest asks when we are getting divorced.

Husband has said we will never get divorced. He also says that, if I leave him, youngest will stay with him. Youngest said he will NOT stay.

Sore, tired and achy :(

Last night wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Only one of the dogs slept against my spine. The other crammed herself against my buttox and rested quietly. Today, I hurt so, I’m smoking my pain killer and hoping things calm down appreciably.

 

Something I haven’t talked about much is mental illness. It is prevalent in my family. Husband is bipolar and has early dementia, elder child is schizophrenic and bipolar,  Middle has mild autism and youngest has panic disorder. I myself have been diagnosed with many different mental issues over the years including bipolar, multiple personality disorder (mpd/did) social anxiety and depression.

I am, for the past 14 years, unmedicated. Husband takes numerous medications as does elder child. The other two are not medicated. I can always tell when husband and elder haven’t taken their meds. Things start to get a bit wild around here.

 

Living in a house with this much disorder and chaos is hard. The pins and needles, walking on eggshells and constant diligence on my part are wearing me down. I definitely FEEL the pressure when it starts to rise.

Husband doesn’t do well when the house is full like it is today so he’s crawled into his computer and it might be a few hours before we speak with him again. At least he’s not violent today. Daughter has crawled into the garage with her laptop. She’ll be out for dinner…. maybe. Middle has gone to his job. He seems to be thriving well at work and yesterday I talked to his supervisor who said he’s a joy to work with, never gives her any lip and is so very respectful to the customers. Made my heart swell to hear that! Youngest is playing video games with his internet friends, as per usual. Mom is reading on the couch and elder brother is at the kitchen table working on a thesis. After 10 years of homelessness, he’s almost finished his doctorate in aerospace engineering! I’m so very proud of him!

I wonder, in the dark of night, what will become of my family in the near future. In five years, will my babies all be out on their own or will they still be in my home? I KNOW middle will be gone. He hates it here because of husband. Eldest might still be here… youngest will be here, I think. Husband may be gone by then. Dementia is an awful disease…. Either he’ll be gone or I will. One way or another.

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….