6 weeks

It’s been a little more than 6 weeks since husband died. Life has continued for the rest of us. I struggle, daily, to keep a strong front for the children while I’m slowly dying inside.

I miss him. As I lay in bed after work, I find myself thinking about him. The tears wet my cheeks at the drop of a hat. It’s annoying, honestly. Today I was at the grocery store and someone asked if I was ok. Tears were streaming down my face and I hadn’t realised I was crying. I can’t seem to do anything but work without crying and even that is hard if someone says anything about my husband.

I started a new job last week. I’m now working as a shipping clerk in a tiny little company that treats me more like family than an employee. It’s very nice but very hard work. So many things I have to learn and it’s all on the job training. I come home exhausted every day. An hour nap and I’m a little better but man, the last hour of work is torture!

Youngest is struggling with his schooling. Not in the coursework but actually DOING it. He is so far behind in his classes that I worry he will fail even though his grades are awesome. I may have to put him in public school or get him a tutor.

Middle is feeling horrible. I think depression is gripping him. He is angry at husband for not apologizing for being so mean to him and cannot seem to let it go. Anger is common with him right now and I fear he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has started therapy but I don’t think it’s the right kind.

Eldest is making me crazy. She REFUSES to do ANY chores. She is sleeping a LOT and has been late for work frequently in the past couple of weeks. It’s almost like she has NO work ethics. I truly don’t understand why it’s so damned hard for her to get out of bed lately. Is she just being defiant or is she depressed as well?

 

I have to remind myself that we are all grieving in our own way. I just wish I could help them but right now I’m barely holding on myself.

 

46 days and counting.

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Drowning in Grief

There is so much to so today. Yesterday the autopsy was done. I struggled to breathe all day. It was like the life had been completely sucked out of me. I was supposed to make a million calls but only called his eye doctor so they would stop texting appointment reminders. I need to call the dentist, the bank, the bills are all in his name, Social security I’ll call Friday, when I get the death certificate…. I called the insurance company today only to find out there is no insurance on him. Only me and my son. Not any on our son. Tomorrow I have to go to the coroner’s office to pick up his things and the death certificate. Today I’m in contact with victim services to see about getting rental assistance and things like that.

Today, I’m crying as I pack away his clothing. I found his wedding ring and just bawled for half an hour. I’m not even sure why it’s not on his finger. I’m wearing it with my ring now. It feels right.  At this moment, I am laying down, writing and crying. I feel so empty inside. I feel sick to my stomach and so God awful tired. It’s been three days since he died and everything feels so WRONG. Why did he have to be taken from me?

He’s gone…

Today, at 3:30 AM, I found my husband dead, laying in the bed beside me. He was 57 years old.  After struggling with dementia, heart issues, stomach issues… He’s finally at rest.

Now, I have to help my 14 year old, type 1 diabetic, son through the process of grieving his father. In 10 days he will turn 15. How do I help him understand? Husband was very sick. This my son knew but I don’t think any of us expected him to be gone…. not yet…

Damnit it’s not fair. My son should be hugging his father, not burying him. I’m not supposed to be a widow, for the second fucking time, before I’m 50. We don’t even know what killed him!

So far I know of no insurance, no burial plots, no money to bury him and his name was on ALL the bills AND the bank account. No will. NOTHING.

The only good thing is: The last thing we said to eachother was “I love you”

Adrift in this sea called life

via Daily Prompt: Adrift

Today the storm has swelled. I am overwhelmed with the very thought of taking care of my family, my husband in particular. With tears in my eyes, I’ve watched him struggle all day. The dementia washes over him deeply today and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. It’s like he’s adrift at sea, tossed by the thoughts that have no rhyme or reason. Where will he land? Will tomorrow see the storm calmed? I can see him drowning and there’s no life preserver in sight. I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do.

He asked when middle son had to leave for prom. Middle son is homeschooled. There is no prom. He is so lost and I don’t know what I can do to help him. He asks when eldest is getting home as he takes the 2 hour old dinner from the microwave and starts to toss it in the trash because he thinks it’s left over from last night. Eldest is in her room, talking to middle and hasn’t left the house all day. It’s 8 P.M. He thinks it’s morning. He doesn’t realise it’s the youngest child’s dinner, keeping warm till he awakens from his slumber.

I try to get him to go back to the bed he’s lain in all day. He argues and fusses that he’s not tired. He stumbles from the kitchen as I make him scrambled eggs and hash browns with a bit of bacon chopped up in it. I give him his plate and he spills half on the floor.  He tries to clean it up but the dogs beat him to it. They have grown accustomed to cleaning up after him I think.

I wonder, briefly, if he’s had a stroke as I watch him eat. He chokes, momentarily, on the food and my breath catches. Will I have to put him in the hospital again with aspiration pneumonia or should I just let him go? I have to walk away, feigning a bathroom break, so I can allow the tears to stream freely down my cheeks for a few minutes. Waves of grief wash over me as I’m tossed about, emotionally, like driftwood in a hurricane.

I’m adrift on the sea of emotion. Alone in my torment. I have noone to talk to. The one person I had to talk to is adrift in a different part of the storm. Lost to me. Drowning.

 

Indecision

Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.

 

 

Dog Attacked Husband!

Yesterday, husband took my tiny, 11 pound Min Pin out to walk. While they were out a Pit Bull being walked by an 8 year old, 60 pound little girl broke free from her and attacked my husband. My little dog tried his best to protect husband  but was quickly overpowered by the 110 pound giant. Husband fought the big dog off, finally pinning him underneath himself while getting the dog in a scissor lock. He sustained bites on his forearm and a broken wrist. My sweetie pup had minor injuries, mostly due to the thick sweater I insist on him wearing. He’s on antibiotics and painkillers but the vet said he’ll be fine. He and husband are resting today. Husband had bad nightmares last night, understandably!

The dogs owners had the animal up to date on his shots, thank the maker. They got a ticket and the dog was taken in for quarantine until the court date. This is a mandatory appearance to explain why their dog wasn’t controlled. I plan on going to hear their explanation and hopefully get the vet cost refunded. Seventy six dollars is more than we could really afford today!

Youngest stayed with the dogs while husband was transported by ambulance to the ER and the police were speaking to me, then he went with me to the vet today. He’s so concerned about our dog! He loves him so much and, since he is also his diabetic alert dog, Youngest is very much dependant on the dog. He said he doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost the dog. Not a word about husband…. hmmm….

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….