Adrift in this sea called life

via Daily Prompt: Adrift

Today the storm has swelled. I am overwhelmed with the very thought of taking care of my family, my husband in particular. With tears in my eyes, I’ve watched him struggle all day. The dementia washes over him deeply today and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. It’s like he’s adrift at sea, tossed by the thoughts that have no rhyme or reason. Where will he land? Will tomorrow see the storm calmed? I can see him drowning and there’s no life preserver in sight. I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do.

He asked when middle son had to leave for prom. Middle son is homeschooled. There is no prom. He is so lost and I don’t know what I can do to help him. He asks when eldest is getting home as he takes the 2 hour old dinner from the microwave and starts to toss it in the trash because he thinks it’s left over from last night. Eldest is in her room, talking to middle and hasn’t left the house all day. It’s 8 P.M. He thinks it’s morning. He doesn’t realise it’s the youngest child’s dinner, keeping warm till he awakens from his slumber.

I try to get him to go back to the bed he’s lain in all day. He argues and fusses that he’s not tired. He stumbles from the kitchen as I make him scrambled eggs and hash browns with a bit of bacon chopped up in it. I give him his plate and he spills half on the floor.  He tries to clean it up but the dogs beat him to it. They have grown accustomed to cleaning up after him I think.

I wonder, briefly, if he’s had a stroke as I watch him eat. He chokes, momentarily, on the food and my breath catches. Will I have to put him in the hospital again with aspiration pneumonia or should I just let him go? I have to walk away, feigning a bathroom break, so I can allow the tears to stream freely down my cheeks for a few minutes. Waves of grief wash over me as I’m tossed about, emotionally, like driftwood in a hurricane.

I’m adrift on the sea of emotion. Alone in my torment. I have noone to talk to. The one person I had to talk to is adrift in a different part of the storm. Lost to me. Drowning.

 

Indecision

Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.

 

 

Dog Attacked Husband!

Yesterday, husband took my tiny, 11 pound Min Pin out to walk. While they were out a Pit Bull being walked by an 8 year old, 60 pound little girl broke free from her and attacked my husband. My little dog tried his best to protect husband  but was quickly overpowered by the 110 pound giant. Husband fought the big dog off, finally pinning him underneath himself while getting the dog in a scissor lock. He sustained bites on his forearm and a broken wrist. My sweetie pup had minor injuries, mostly due to the thick sweater I insist on him wearing. He’s on antibiotics and painkillers but the vet said he’ll be fine. He and husband are resting today. Husband had bad nightmares last night, understandably!

The dogs owners had the animal up to date on his shots, thank the maker. They got a ticket and the dog was taken in for quarantine until the court date. This is a mandatory appearance to explain why their dog wasn’t controlled. I plan on going to hear their explanation and hopefully get the vet cost refunded. Seventy six dollars is more than we could really afford today!

Youngest stayed with the dogs while husband was transported by ambulance to the ER and the police were speaking to me, then he went with me to the vet today. He’s so concerned about our dog! He loves him so much and, since he is also his diabetic alert dog, Youngest is very much dependant on the dog. He said he doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost the dog. Not a word about husband…. hmmm….

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….

Another Day

Well, it’s been a fairly quiet week. Not many fights or issues. I went to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and it was peaceful when I got home. Yesterday was good except my pain was through the roof. Today has been…. a day.

It was OK till I was making dinner and husband stepped on my big toe hard enough to make me cry out in pain. He glared at me and stormed out of the house like it was MY fault he stepped on my toe! No “sorry dear” or “are you OK?” No, it was a look that said “What the hell you yelling for?”

Middle son had to finish cooking so I could put ice on it and clean the blood where my ingrown nail had cut into the flesh. He took the dog with him when he left and when he got back, told my son he could have his dinner because husband wasn’t going to eat.

Husband does that when he’s upset/angry/irritated. He refuses to eat my cooking. It’s, after all, my fault he’s upset. Why would he want to eat something cooked if it’s MY fault? Passive aggressive much?

Just another one of the subtle abuses we suffer here on the daily. Thank God my children are here. The youngest saw the look husband shot me and HE’S getting tired of husbands shit.

 

I’ve started saving change so that I can get enough money to move out. I started the “Penny A Day” savings plan where you put a penny in a jar on day one, two on day two, three on day three and so forth. I should have about 700 by this time next year. More if I can get middle to give me his small change once a week. I put the money in one of the candle jars that has cloth around it. Husband never looks at it so it should be safe. Just in case, I’ve given it to the childrens Godmother for safe keeping.

 

Mother is still here on the couch, much to husbands consternation. He wants her GONE and makes no secret about it. Youngest told him to shut it because he LIKES gramma here and he said she can stay as long as she wants to. I love my baby so much 🙂

 

Resolutions Forgotten!

I really forgot to write any resolutions yesterday! For 40 years I’ve written them, religiously, and broken them by my birthday. I guess I’ve decided to just skip the middle man and leave them unbroken.

I’m looking toward the new year with optimism and trepidation. I’m afraid of the future yet eagerly embrace whatever comes my way (as long as it’s good. That other shit can stay behind!)

I don’t remember what I was doing last year on the First. MAybe it’s better that way. There’s been so many things the past year that I’ve done and forgotten about. I know that the stress ongoing around here is a major contributor.

 

You know, I’ve been thinking about the call I got from the police a few days ago and the more I think about it, the more worried I am. What if they ARE trying to pull a fast one and get me on false reporting? Is there a statute of limitations? Could it be that they finally ran the DNA sample they took and found a match? Fingerprints actually bring up anything? So many questions… and it’s brought back the panic attacks. I’m not even sure I want to go through all that again. Shit I’ve only in the past year been able to leave my house alone.

I have to go to work next week and I’m dreading that. Not because I dislike my job but because I might be dealing with flashbacks or something. Jesus, I’m a basket case. I think I’ll be calling my therapist on Monday…

What do you think, should I get a lawyers opinion before I go?

 

Cold Cases (or NOW they believe me!)

This morning, I received a phone call that was 12 years in the making. It was from the local police station.

In 2002 I was a young woman, with a very young child and a fiance. We were in the process of selling his condo and looking forward to a new life together as a family.

One day, while my future husband was at work, I was cleaning the condo. There was going to be an open house in two days and everything had to be perfect.

It was a warm, spring day and I had opened the doors and windows and was running the vacuum cleaner when I felt a hand cover my mouth. For the next hour, the man raped me while my son was locked out on the balcony.

 

I honestly don’t remember what happened after he left except that I had an immense amount of pain between my legs. I vaguely remember the police and the ambulance ride to the hospital. They did a rape kit and I went home.

Two days later, I went to the police station where I was accused of lying about the attack. I was berated and badgered till I recanted my story. Then, they took my son away and sent him to another state to live with his father.

 

I went through hell with this. I put myself into the mental ward because I was so confused about everything. Were they right? Did I dream it all? Was I CRAZY?!? I went through 12 YEARS of doubting myself, therapy and nightmares.

This morning was the detective calling. They have “new information” in the case and want me to come talk to them again. I have my reservations. I just pray that he hasn’t hurt someone else and that the police could have gotten this guy off the streets if they hadn’t been so insistent on victim blaming that they missed something of major importance.

 

I hope my youngest never finds out but…. They might have to do a DNA test….