Life happens

I’ve spent the last two weeks in the hospital. Agony would be an understatement! Turns out I had a 7mm kidney stone that got lodged in the ureter between the kidney and the bladder. It was EXCRUCIATING. They placed a stent and for two weeks I hurt. My bladder and kidney were spasming so bad that they put me in the hospital to control the pain.

For two weeks my husband was alone with my children.

They all survived. Much to the amazement of my beloved husband.

While I was in the hospital, my husband totalled the motorcycle, my only transportation to work. Now I can’t go to work unless a coworker comes to get me.

Discovered my step mother has colon cancer while I was in the hospital. That prompted my father to get a colonoscopy…. They found a mass. Waiting on the results now, supposed to know something Monday. If you pray, please pray for them.

 

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Santana….

I’m feeling a bit better today. This cough still rumbles through me like a freight train but, they come less frequently. My fibro is flared, of course and yesterday I started my moon. It always happens all at once, right ladies?

Today husband has been mildly irritated at the children, my mother and life in general. The children didn’t do their chores in a timely manner so he did them… loudly. Mouse daughter was almost whispering her words all day so I understand she was feeling the pressure of his words and actions. Even youngest has cried himself to sleep already… He’s been asleep since 7 pm.

 

Older brother is staying the night and possibly tomorrow night as well. A man at the homeless shelter he’s been staying in threatened his life so he has to go get a restraining order against the man. The police station will be open in the morning. He cannot stay here because he is a sex offender. If the office knew he was here, we would be evicted.

As of now, there are 7 people in my 2 bedroom apartment. There is no horizontal spot left for anyone to sleep on, unless we clear the counters!. Elder brother is sleeping on the dog bed for heavens sake! And GUESS where the dogs are!

 

It’s going to be a long night…. Thank heavens there’s Santana to listen to.

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….

Another Day

Well, it’s been a fairly quiet week. Not many fights or issues. I went to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and it was peaceful when I got home. Yesterday was good except my pain was through the roof. Today has been…. a day.

It was OK till I was making dinner and husband stepped on my big toe hard enough to make me cry out in pain. He glared at me and stormed out of the house like it was MY fault he stepped on my toe! No “sorry dear” or “are you OK?” No, it was a look that said “What the hell you yelling for?”

Middle son had to finish cooking so I could put ice on it and clean the blood where my ingrown nail had cut into the flesh. He took the dog with him when he left and when he got back, told my son he could have his dinner because husband wasn’t going to eat.

Husband does that when he’s upset/angry/irritated. He refuses to eat my cooking. It’s, after all, my fault he’s upset. Why would he want to eat something I cooked if it’s MY fault? Passive aggressive much?

Just another one of the subtle abuses we suffer here on the daily. Thank God my children are here. The youngest saw the look husband shot me and HE’S getting tired of husbands shit.

 

I’ve started saving change so that I can get enough money to move out. I started the “Penny A Day” savings plan where you put a penny in a jar on day one, two on day two, three on day three and so forth. I should have about 700 by this time next year. More if I can get middle to give me his small change once a week. I put the money in one of the candle jars that has cloth around it. Husband never looks at it so it should be safe. Just in case, I’ve given it to the childrens Godmother for safe keeping.

 

Mother is still here on the couch, much to husbands consternation. He wants her GONE and makes no secret about it. Youngest told him to shut it because he LIKES gramma here and he said she can stay as long as she wants to. I love my baby so much 🙂

 

To kill or not…

I was asked something yesterday that, because of WHO asked me, shook me to the core. I was asked why I didn’t just kill my husband.

This question didn’t even phase me at first because I thought he was joking but then I looked into his eyes and I knew he wasn’t. I laughed a little and admitted it HAD crossed my mind a few times.

He started going on about the reasons he thought I should, like the financial. That was the main one. He went on about how he had given my husband a lot of money and how he was supposed to pay him back and that if it was up to him, I’d be a widow by now. How, after my settlement and finding out my husband spent 15K on Thomas the Train shit for the baby, he’d have murdered him without a thought.

I admitted that was one time I thought about it. He had used the money that was SUPPOSED to go to fix my teeth to buy TOYS for crying out loud! And the toys weren’t even used but a few weeks… Ten years later and my teeth STILL aren’t fixed.

My friend doesn’t know half of it. He doesn’t know about the verbal onslaughts every day, the intermittent violence, how we walk on eggshells every day.. And that the thought has crossed my mind more often than not lately..

I think, the only reason I don’t is that I’d get caught and go to prison for the rest of my life. Then who would take care of my babies?

 

Still….. The thought is there..

 

And the tears won’t stop…

Today I did my normal volunteering at the food bank, brought home some almond milk, cereal and yummy watermelon. I was in a great mood as I pulled the bike into the garage.

Then husband came into the garage.

I knew by the look on his face that something was up. He was supposed to go see his mother today at 2 and it was 1:30. He wasn’t going to go because something came up with his mother.

Then he informed me that middle son was grounded, again, for 72 hours. Why? Because he’d walked 4 miles to the lumber store and bought some cat 5 cable with his allowance. He wanted to move his computer into his room and was afraid to ask husband if he could use the cat5. He knew husband would make a fuss.

I lost it. I’ll admit I went overboard. I was tired, hungry and hadn’t even gotten off the motorcycle yet. I went apeshit. I told him he needed to grow up and stop treating my son with such incredible disrespect, that if he wasn’t such an asshole, maybe middle wouldn’t be afraid of him.

For an hour I ranted and fumed. The more I ranted, the more I cried. The more I cried, the madder I got. I finally went and laid down, crying myself to sleep. I slept 2 hours. Since then, my eyes have been constantly watering.

I’m broken and the tears just won’t stop. When he asked me if he should leave, I said yes, I don’t care any more.

He’s still here and so are the tears.

I wish I could win the lottery and get the fuck out of here…

Utter Exhaustion

Today I’m of a mind to sleep all day but I have things to do. I’ll be taking my mother some canned goods today and picking up my sewing machine. Hopefully I can talk to her this weekend. I need mommy advice.

My eldest is in the hospital, getting stabilized on her meds. Youngest child went for his titration on Thursday and I spent too much money on food while we were gone. Husband is not pleased. It’s been quiet this weekend but I know he’s angry just by the way he’s acting. The snide comments, the sighs, the frustration in his voice.

He hit me last night. In his sleep, he punched me in the back as I slept. Today, I’m sore on my right shoulder blade by my spine and I have a bruise, angry and purple. Youngest saw it and asked me what happened. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know.

I wonder if he was acting out in his sleep what he wants to do in waking life. It wouldn’t surprise me. I wonder if he was really asleep. That frightens me.

I’ve been utterly exhausted all week but I’ve kept on keeping on. As I will continue to do. Till I can’t anymore.