Indecision

Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.

 

 

Menopausal Survival

My family is ready to commit me.

I’ve been so emotional, bitchy, weepy… My emotions are ALL over the place!

For instance, tonight. Husband is making something new for dinner and I’m organizing my jewelry making things. He is making filled quesadillas, filled with something that resembles vomit. I’m instantly annoyed. I’m a HUGE visual person when it comes to food. If it looks funny/weird/different/gross, I’m bothered.  This looked down right NASTY.

I start grumping about it being soggy and gross. Then he serves me one that he’d made 10 minutes before. It’s got the consistency of road kill. Que meltdown. I’m sobbing and bitching at the same time. I threw the food…. Dogs had dinner. Next I’m laying in the bed sobbing gutwrenchingly. Youngest comes in and asks me why I’m crying so hard and I honestly can’t say why.

Then I’m hit with a hot flash that almost makes me pass out.

Loverly….

 

At least I know a reason I went full psycho on them.

 

I hate being a woman right now!

 

Good news: They survived.

This time….

Sore, tired and achy :(

Last night wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Only one of the dogs slept against my spine. The other crammed herself against my buttox and rested quietly. Today, I hurt so, I’m smoking my pain killer and hoping things calm down appreciably.

 

Something I haven’t talked about much is mental illness. It is prevalent in my family. Husband is bipolar and has early dementia, elder child is schizophrenic and bipolar,  Middle has mild autism and youngest has panic disorder. I myself have been diagnosed with many different mental issues over the years including bipolar, multiple personality disorder (mpd/did) social anxiety and depression.

I am, for the past 14 years, unmedicated. Husband takes numerous medications as does elder child. The other two are not medicated. I can always tell when husband and elder haven’t taken their meds. Things start to get a bit wild around here.

 

Living in a house with this much disorder and chaos is hard. The pins and needles, walking on eggshells and constant diligence on my part are wearing me down. I definitely FEEL the pressure when it starts to rise.

Husband doesn’t do well when the house is full like it is today so he’s crawled into his computer and it might be a few hours before we speak with him again. At least he’s not violent today. Daughter has crawled into the garage with her laptop. She’ll be out for dinner…. maybe. Middle has gone to his job. He seems to be thriving well at work and yesterday I talked to his supervisor who said he’s a joy to work with, never gives her any lip and is so very respectful to the customers. Made my heart swell to hear that! Youngest is playing video games with his internet friends, as per usual. Mom is reading on the couch and elder brother is at the kitchen table working on a thesis. After 10 years of homelessness, he’s almost finished his doctorate in aerospace engineering! I’m so very proud of him!

I wonder, in the dark of night, what will become of my family in the near future. In five years, will my babies all be out on their own or will they still be in my home? I KNOW middle will be gone. He hates it here because of husband. Eldest might still be here… youngest will be here, I think. Husband may be gone by then. Dementia is an awful disease…. Either he’ll be gone or I will. One way or another.

What I Found Under the Bathroom Sink

Yesterday evening, after working overtime, middle asked me to get him some Epsom Salts. I went into my bathroom and opened the bottom cabinet where I normally keep them. At first, I was confused by what I found below the sink. Then I got upset.

There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under there, in the darkness.

My husband is an alcoholic. He was dry since our wedding day, 14 years ago. Now he’s started again. I know he drank that bottle in just a few days because it wasn’t there on Wednesday when I got in there for bandages.

Now I have this to worry about….. AND youngest is very ill today with the flu….

Crappy New Year!

Well, this year has started out well….

 

NOT

 

Husband is on a rampage this morning after finding out the children have eaten almost all of HIS cereal. After arguing with the children and my mother, he’s stormed out of the house without his coat. It’s only 30 degrees outside.

I really don’t care. I have found myself giving zero fucks today.

 

I had a major tooth ache yesterday and spent my midnight swishing with Ora-gel and downing three Tylenol. This morning the left side of my face is swollen and hot. I have an abscess and no money to get it fixed. Hopefully the infection sets in and finally ends all this damned suffering. The only problem with that would be leaving the kids in the hands of that monster I’m married to.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Learning to be Peaceful

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue but I’ve been working on my tact. I’m normally the first person to make snide retorts when I’ve been hurt by someone’s words but I’m learning.

My daughter has been going with me to the food bank. Two days last week she went and worked. Friday a woman, with whom I’ve had issues with before, came in and started getting ready to work. I introduced her to my daughter and they exchanged pleasantries then my daughter went back to work, clear across the warehouse from this woman.

Three hours later, the woman came to me and said “I can definitely see she’s your daughter. It’s always drama with her.”

I just laughed it off and continued working. I asked my daughter if she’d said anything to the woman and she said “not since she came in. I’ve been too busy!”

Later, this same woman came to me and said something that I ALMOST lost my cool over. I was talking to another lady about my health and Snippy (my nickname for this woman) said “You’re not the only one with issues you know” My remark to her? “Yeah, I know, you seem to be suffering from mental health issues.” She left me alone for the rest of the day.

Today, I was in a LOT of pain with my shoulder but I kept working, unloading three pallets of cases full of milk and cottage cheese. I noticed she stood back and watched. She said “I’d help but my back hurts”. My comment to her “that’s ok, we able bodied folks got this. Why don’t you go see if there’s a box of chips you can raid”

The able-bodied folks included an 85 year old woman, myself, a guy who only had his left arm and a 3 foot tall woman. We got it done and what surprised me was no one said anything about it. They ALL dislike her, mostly because of her attitude.

She talks about being a Christian, how she goes to church every Sunday yet she cannot say one nice thing to anyone. I’m trying to be civil. I’m learning to be at peace with those around me. It’s hard but… I’m learning.

Either that or I’m waiting for an opportunity to catch her alone and kick her ass…

Police and Lack of Intervention

Today the police were at my house. Three of them. Because middle child punched husband in the mouth.

No one went to jail. They told son to control himself and husband was told he could discipline son.

Absolutely nothing was done.

I was not at home when the fight happened. I’d gone to take my mother some food because she is pretty much out. I was gone for 2 hours.

I guess this means I can’t leave them alone together at ALL so I can’t go to work the food bank anymore.

Feeling defeated today 😦