Life with a schizophrenic

Eldest is schizophrenic and has decided that she no longer needs to eat. Husband has been onto her about her weight and she has decided to starve herself. This started about 3 weeks ago. I found out three days ago. Two weeks ago, she stopped all her meds. This I also found out three days ago. She said they were making her throw up.

Well duh!

Now I’ll tell you how I found all this out.

Monday, daughter went to her therapy, supposedly. I say supposedly because we got a call about her missing her appointment. When confronted with this tidbit, she said that she had gotten there late because she missed the bus and that, when she got there, they had her reschedule.

She then goes on to say that it didn’t matter anyway because they were about to drop her because she has missed too many appointments.

Tuesday she had another appointment with her therapist and I made sure she left the house with buds pass, money, wallet and whatever else she needed. Tuesday afternoon she was home and was acting erratically. We called her therapist, then the crisis line. Got things calmed down and went to bed.

Wednesday, I went to work. At 11am I was called by husband who informed me that Adult Protective services was here. Talking to daughter about last week when husband had to put her in a restraint hold because she was throwing things and generally being violent. They were gone by the time I got home at 1:30.

At 2:15, three police officers were at my door. They questioned daughter, husband and youngest then left. They didn’t talk to me or middle.

At 4:00, youngest came to my room with severe stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Nothing physically evident but when I told the doctor about the things that had happened, he said it COULD have been psychosomatic in nature.

Yesterday was pretty intense.. Not a lot of drama but eldest and husband were “discussing” things and daughter was loud and borderline belligerent.

Its almost 6am now and I’m going to the food bank to work till 1. God PLEASE let today be calm. I’d like to get through one day without crying.

I’m teetering on the brink of insanity myself. Every day this week, I’ve fought the tears. Yesterday I broke down in tears in front of my boss for the first time in my time there. Two years. She said “my God, how do you do it? You come in every day and are always full of smiles. I’d be a basket case!” I laughed and said ” You see me as I want to be seen but behind the mask is a really fucked up person.”  She hugged me and said “You aren’t fucked up. Your one of the strongest women I know.”

She doesn’t know what that meant to me.



Indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence

Yeah, today I’m thinking about my husband again. As always. I’ve been really paying attention to his actions of late and what I see disturbs me more than words can say.

Since I’ve been home from the hospital, I’ve been watching my husband, his interactions with the children and his words. What I don’t see, youngest informs me.

I went back to work last week and the very first day, upon my return home, youngest said that husband has informed them that he no longer cares about them because they “obviously” don’t care about him. This because he “had” to do their chores.

What kind of person says things like that to children? It made youngest cry. I’m seriously wishing I knew what to do. I’m afraid to leave because he has all the money in his bank account. He’s stopped giving me my allowance. I think he suspects I’m trying to save money to leave… If I don’t get enough money, how will I leave??

We found out that my father does, indeed, have colon cancer but it’s in the “early stages” and the doctor thinks he can get it all in one surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I will be taking middle with me when I go down to take care of him and his wife who starts chemo tomorrow. Don’t know when I’m leaving but it will probably be in the next couple of weeks. If I can get a ride, I’ll take youngest with me. If I have to take the Greyhound, I’ll have to leave youngest here.

Middle had an endoscopy last week and we have found out he has scar tissue and ulcerations on his esophagus. He’s now on medication and will be having another endoscopy in 8 weeks. That should give us time to go to Texas and help grampa before his appointment.

I have to remember, if I leave, I don’t come back. I take the kids with me and we continue without husband. My children deserve better.



Life happens

I’ve spent the last two weeks in the hospital. Agony would be an understatement! Turns out I had a 7mm kidney stone that got lodged in the ureter between the kidney and the bladder. It was EXCRUCIATING. They placed a stent and for two weeks I hurt. My bladder and kidney were spasming so bad that they put me in the hospital to control the pain.

For two weeks my husband was alone with my children.

They all survived. Much to the amazement of my beloved husband.

While I was in the hospital, my husband totalled the motorcycle, my only transportation to work. Now I can’t go to work unless a coworker comes to get me.

Discovered my step mother has colon cancer while I was in the hospital. That prompted my father to get a colonoscopy…. They found a mass. Waiting on the results now, supposed to know something Monday. If you pray, please pray for them.


Menopausal Survival

My family is ready to commit me.

I’ve been so emotional, bitchy, weepy… My emotions are ALL over the place!

For instance, tonight. Husband is making something new for dinner and I’m organizing my jewelry making things. He is making filled quesadillas, filled with something that resembles vomit. I’m instantly annoyed. I’m a HUGE visual person when it comes to food. If it looks funny/weird/different/gross, I’m bothered.  This looked down right NASTY.

I start grumping about it being soggy and gross. Then he serves me one that he’d made 10 minutes before. It’s got the consistency of road kill. Que meltdown. I’m sobbing and bitching at the same time. I threw the food…. Dogs had dinner. Next I’m laying in the bed sobbing gutwrenchingly. Youngest comes in and asks me why I’m crying so hard and I honestly can’t say why.

Then I’m hit with a hot flash that almost makes me pass out.



At least I know a reason I went full psycho on them.


I hate being a woman right now!


Good news: They survived.

This time….

A Stroll through Motherhood

Stroll prompt

Today is a melancholy day for me. Mothers day is hard for me for some reason. It’s 7 AM and already I’m crying.

Memories of the childrens births, their first steps, their first words… Everything comes back to me on this day. Every year is different. Most of the time the kids do nothing for Mothers Day, it’s just another day to them. Some years are sweet with home made posters and crafts, some years it’s fighting and arguing all day.

This year, thus far, my 16 year old is playing video games and when I ask what he’s doing today, I hear “celebrating Mothers day and chilling.” When I ask how he’s going to celebrate….. Nothing. He didn’t even hear me. I am, again, ignored in the middle of a conversation. I should be used to it by now….

My 13 year old is in the shower after coming in and hugging me the minute he found out I was awake. He wished me a happy Mothers day and informed me that he was hungry. Le Sigh.

Daughter is still asleep. Not expecting to even see her today. She’s taken to her bed again and I hear her crying frequently. I wish I could help her…. It breaks my heart to hear her sobbing in the dark.

I spent the last week moving mother into her own home. She now has her own place! Sixty five years she’s lived with someone and now is alone. I took a rocking chair to her house yesterday while she was out with my niece. Still haven’t heard if she likes it or not. I worry about her being alone but her place is on my way to work so I’ll check on her a few times a week.  She’s supposed to come to dinner today. We’ll see. If nothing else, I’ll take her dinner and some cake that husband made for us for Mother’s day.


Youngest and I went to the museum yesterday. We took the bus down and wandered the halls of science and nature for three hours, learning and seeing things he’d never seen before. Then we went downtown and ate lunch, shopped for new pants for him and went to the candy store. We visited with my homeless brother at the library and went to catch the train home. It was such an awesome day.

Then we came home.

My niece texted me as we walked home from the stop and said her husband had gotten out of jail and was on his way to my house. To see her. She had told him she was staying with me. The big problem was that she had lied to him and now I had to deal with that drama.


Oh and get this….

She got fired a week ago from her job because she couldn’t find a babysitter. She’s now working in one of those illegal brothels. With the baby.

It makes me cry to think of it. Now her husband is out and she hasn’t told him what she’s doing.

First thing this morning, he asked me if we could sit down and smoke some weed.He was about to leave for the probation office for crying out loud! What kind of man is this!!?? I can see now that I’m going to have to sit them down and talk to them. It’s time for them to grow up and be responsible! If not for themselves, for their son.

I swear, I’m feeling like everyone’s Mama here


Today I went with middle for his therapy and ended up doing most of the talking. The therapist told me I really needed to get husband out of the house. I agreed. When you decide to take charge of your life, how do you get the offender to actually leave?

I asked the childrens godfather to find me a gun. I’m afraid I actually need one because of husband.

Husband started yelling at mother today. I knew it was just a matter of time. Now I’m having to do damage control.


*sigh* Will it ever end?