A Stroll through Motherhood

Stroll prompt

Today is a melancholy day for me. Mothers day is hard for me for some reason. It’s 7 AM and already I’m crying.

Memories of the childrens births, their first steps, their first words… Everything comes back to me on this day. Every year is different. Most of the time the kids do nothing for Mothers Day, it’s just another day to them. Some years are sweet with home made posters and crafts, some years it’s fighting and arguing all day.

This year, thus far, my 16 year old is playing video games and when I ask what he’s doing today, I hear “celebrating Mothers day and chilling.” When I ask how he’s going to celebrate….. Nothing. He didn’t even hear me. I am, again, ignored in the middle of a conversation. I should be used to it by now….

My 13 year old is in the shower after coming in and hugging me the minute he found out I was awake. He wished me a happy Mothers day and informed me that he was hungry. Le Sigh.

Daughter is still asleep. Not expecting to even see her today. She’s taken to her bed again and I hear her crying frequently. I wish I could help her…. It breaks my heart to hear her sobbing in the dark.

I spent the last week moving mother into her own home. She now has her own place! Sixty five years she’s lived with someone and now is alone. I took a rocking chair to her house yesterday while she was out with my niece. Still haven’t heard if she likes it or not. I worry about her being alone but her place is on my way to work so I’ll check on her a few times a week.  She’s supposed to come to dinner today. We’ll see. If nothing else, I’ll take her dinner and some cake that husband made for us for Mother’s day.



Youngest and I went to the museum yesterday. We took the bus down and wandered the halls of science and nature for three hours, learning and seeing things he’d never seen before. Then we went downtown and ate lunch, shopped for new pants for him and went to the candy store. We visited with my homeless brother at the library and went to catch the train home. It was such an awesome day.

Then we came home.

My niece texted me as we walked home from the stop and said her husband had gotten out of jail and was on his way to my house. To see her. She had told him she was staying with me. The big problem was that she had lied to him and now I had to deal with that drama.


Oh and get this….

She got fired a week ago from her job because she couldn’t find a babysitter. She’s now working in one of those illegal brothels. With the baby.

It makes me cry to think of it. Now her husband is out and she hasn’t told him what she’s doing.

First thing this morning, he asked me if we could sit down and smoke some weed.He was about to leave for the probation office for crying out loud! What kind of man is this!!?? I can see now that I’m going to have to sit them down and talk to them. It’s time for them to grow up and be responsible! If not for themselves, for their son.

I swear, I’m feeling like everyone’s Mama here


Today I went with middle for his therapy and ended up doing most of the talking. The therapist told me I really needed to get husband out of the house. I agreed. When you decide to take charge of your life, how do you get the offender to actually leave?

I asked the childrens godfather to find me a gun. I’m afraid I actually need one because of husband.

Husband started yelling at mother today. I knew it was just a matter of time. Now I’m having to do damage control.


*sigh* Will it ever end?


Fourteen years and counting

Yesterday was Youngests thirteenth birthday. It was, blessedly, quiet and full of fun for him. It was just the family, sans gramma because she had to go babysit my nieces son for the weekend. My older brother came and spent the night.

Husband was quiet. He baked a pineapple upside down cake for Youngest. He cooked dinner and was peaceful. I’m grateful for that beyond words.


Husband and I have been together fourteen years. Our fourteenth anniversary will be May 1st. The past four have been harder and harder to cope with. After his illness four years ago, he changed. He’s been more violent, less patient and more passive aggressive. He’s withdrawn into his computer. He spends more and more time watching videos and not talking to the family except to complain and cajoal the children. He is becoming more and more unbearable, to the point that youngest asks when we are getting divorced.

Husband has said we will never get divorced. He also says that, if I leave him, youngest will stay with him. Youngest said he will NOT stay.

Snowbodies Business

Well, it’s Tuesday and I have a house full, again. Niece and her baby came over yesterday and were snowed in with us. Her toddler son has been harassing the dogs to the point where the female bit him. Not hard, mind you, just enough to put the fear of God into him. He hasn’t touched her since.

Being stuck in the house with Husband has been trying. Nobody has gone ANYWHERE today and, at 1:30 in the afternoon, we are all starting to feel the cabin fever set in. I’m just glad I talked mother into staying home from work today. I had visions of her laying in the snow, dead. My doctor called and cancelled my appointment so I still don’t know what’s wrong with my ears other than I can’t hear.

Boy dog is doing better. Almost done with his meds and he seems none the worst for wear. Middle made pancakes for breakfast, eldest is on her computer, as usual after sleeping till noon. Youngest is playing video games and husband is watching Zombie Nation or something. I have written in my blog, played some Star Wars and drank a pot of coffee. I wrenched my back yesterday shoveling snow and am hurting like crazy. Heating pad and Tylenol are my best friends today.

Rape Kit Backlog and the Mentally Ill

When I received the call from police in December, I was told that there was a break in the 14 year old case I’d reported. They asked me to come down and talk with them so, in January, I did.

The man who met with me was the same detective who took the initial report, so many years ago.As I sat there, in the interrogation room, I began to feel the same dread, the same anxiety that I felt all those years ago. The man was very polite but I could tell he really was concerned about whether or not this case was viable.

They had finally run the rape kit and found a match. They had a name. They also had a problem.

Back at the time the rape happened, I was suffering. I was deep in a mental turmoil called Dissociative Identity Disorder. I remember little of the incidences of rape, of which, apparently, there were three. By all evidences, one of my personalities was on a online dating site and was having conversations, via IM, with many different men. Apparently these men were the ones I reported had raped me. Two of the three incidences I don’t remember anything about. The first one though…. I remember that.

Because of the mental health issues I suffered back then, the officers, at the time, were unconvinced that there WAS an attack. They were very aggressive during my questioning and I finally recanted. I was terrified, badgered and, when they threatened to arrest me for false reporting, I recanted. I was tired and just wanted to go home. They had, unbenounced to me, taken my son from my husband to be and given him to CPS. When I returned home, he was gone.

I began therapy in order to get him back and, there, found I had at least seven different personalities. I, honestly, cannot say WHAT happened during the periods I’m missing. I just don’t know. So, when I was talking to the detective, I told him to just drop it. I couldn’t see putting someone through that issue if they were, in fact, innocent.

Besides, after fourteen years and ten years of therapy, I didn’t want to take the chance on waking those personalities up again. I NEVER want to see them again! Well, not SEE per sae but you know. I want them to remain dormant, unseen and untroublesome.

I don’t want to be crazy again.


A big thing that has been on my mind, because of this, is the extreme backlog of DNA tests that are never run. WHY? I think there is an underlying thought that the victims are all lying. Buyers remorse and all that. I imagine the police are in their offices talking amongst each other, saying things like “Yeah, we got another remorseful victim. Said the guy raped her but she didn’t fight back. I think she’s lying” as he tosses the DNA kit into the evidence locker, never to be seen again. At the moment, there have been Twenty one THOUSAND rape kits found that haven’t been run. 

How many victims could have been saved from being victimized if they would only have taken the time to run the damned kit? Like my case, they have the man’s evidence, they have him in the database. That means he’s been arrested for this crime before, right? What if they had actually done their jobs instead of blaming the victim?

How many other victims have been badgered into recanting their stories because of the police? How many perps are still out there, with cases sitting on shelves, raping another or possibly even murdering them? How much suffering could be averted by the police actually doing their jobs?

A persons mental status shouldn’t be the reason for the police discounting the victim. I WAS raped. I AM a SURVIVOR. I might be crazy but I’m NOT stupid. No matter how many personalities I have/had, I’m still a victim of rape.

Dog Attacked Husband!

Yesterday, husband took my tiny, 11 pound Min Pin out to walk. While they were out a Pit Bull being walked by an 8 year old, 60 pound little girl broke free from her and attacked my husband. My little dog tried his best to protect husband  but was quickly overpowered by the 110 pound giant. Husband fought the big dog off, finally pinning him underneath himself while getting the dog in a scissor lock. He sustained bites on his forearm and a broken wrist. My sweetie pup had minor injuries, mostly due to the thick sweater I insist on him wearing. He’s on antibiotics and painkillers but the vet said he’ll be fine. He and husband are resting today. Husband had bad nightmares last night, understandably!

The dogs owners had the animal up to date on his shots, thank the maker. They got a ticket and the dog was taken in for quarantine until the court date. This is a mandatory appearance to explain why their dog wasn’t controlled. I plan on going to hear their explanation and hopefully get the vet cost refunded. Seventy six dollars is more than we could really afford today!

Youngest stayed with the dogs while husband was transported by ambulance to the ER and the police were speaking to me, then he went with me to the vet today. He’s so concerned about our dog! He loves him so much and, since he is also his diabetic alert dog, Youngest is very much dependant on the dog. He said he doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost the dog. Not a word about husband…. hmmm….