Christmas Joy in the worst of times

Christmas was a pretty great day. The local police brought a bunch of presents to the children, much to their delight. My cousin sent each of the kids a 50 dollar gift card and my mother was stopped as she was walking home from work and given 20 dollars by a complete stranger.

Husband has been quiet and non combative, thank the stars! Sixteen year old is adjusting to his first job well and my older brother came to stay for a few days.

Initially he was only going to stay till Saturday but the snow fell deeper than initially predicted and I couldn’t let him leave. He’s homeless and… where would he go??

I could tell, over the weekend, that husband was trying VERY hard not to cause a scene. He would come into the bedroom and fuss over me because I have been dealing with a migraine since Friday evening. It’s still here on Monday morning.

This morning, husband has already started on middle son. Complaining that middle hasn’t been very helpful in doing the dishes and his chores. Middle voiced his frustration at being griped at first thing in the morning and husband got loud.

ANNNND the cycle begins again.


Power Trips

Today, my middle son got his first job. Already husband is making demands on his pay checks. He wants half of the money my son will be making, for food and utilities.

The child is only 16. It’s his first job and husband just doesn’t see how much of an asshole he’s being. When I told husband I was upset with him for making such unreasonable demands, he started throwing his passive aggressive temper tantrum. I would not back down. I think he’s being quite unreasonable.

Middle son has plans for the spring. He’s leaving home and wants to save the money for his necessities. Husband says he can’t have his entire check. Middle and I have already discussed that he will give SOME of his check to the house for food and such but the majority is HIS, as is right. It’s HIS job, HIS money.

Middle now needs a bank account to direct deposit his checks in. I need to find out how much one will cost to open. He needs a couple of pairs of black pants and black shoes, more money out the door and husband is mad about THAT.


ARGH I swear I’m hating him more and more every day!!

Holidays, why do we need them?

Today I’m thinking about the holidays and how much they suck ass when you’re poor.

For the 5th year in a row, there’s not enough money for gifts and barely enough for food. I have managed to squirrel away a little money, with my mothers help but have to prioritize. Do I want to use the 200 dollars to buy the boys presents or save it, just in case we have to leave suddenly? Do I want to make the holidays nice for the kids or try to leave in the spring, after I’ve saved enough money for a deposit on an apartment for the boys and I?

My mother is staying with us after getting evicted in November. She’s been slipping me a few dollars for the past three weeks because she’s seen, first hand, how we live in this hell and wants to help us leave. She’s also putting aside 20 dollars a week for us, in an emergency fund, only to be used if we leave. I’m grateful for her help, believe me! Thank God for mothers!

The day before Thanksgiving, the local police came by. It was an officer who’s been here frequently this year and knows our family. He signed the boys up for their toy/clothing drive. When I told him that the boys hadn’t had coats for two years, he wrote it down with a frown. Then I reached to the coat hook by the door and handed him the coat that was given to the youngest last year. It was too small and still had the tag on it. I couldn’t return it because the woman had gotten it from a clothing bank. I told him the story behind it and asked him to find a kid it would actually fit. At least SOMEONE could use it.

I honestly hate holidays…. In the past 5 years, I’ve gotten no presents. Two years ago NO ONE got presents. I cried because of this. My husband had spent our present money getting his motorcycle fixed…. Last year, the only present the boys got was from their God parents. Being poor sucks during the holidays.

To kill or not…

I was asked something yesterday that, because of WHO asked me, shook me to the core. I was asked why I didn’t just kill my husband.

This question didn’t even phase me at first because I thought he was joking but then I looked into his eyes and I knew he wasn’t. I laughed a little and admitted it HAD crossed my mind a few times.

He started going on about the reasons he thought I should, like the financial. That was the main one. He went on about how he had given my husband a lot of money and how he was supposed to pay him back and that if it was up to him, I’d be a widow by now. How, after my settlement and finding out my husband spent 15K on Thomas the Train shit for the baby, he’d have murdered him without a thought.

I admitted that was one time I thought about it. He had used the money that was SUPPOSED to go to fix my teeth to buy TOYS for crying out loud! And the toys weren’t even used but a few weeks… Ten years later and my teeth STILL aren’t fixed.

My friend doesn’t know half of it. He doesn’t know about the verbal onslaughts every day, the intermittent violence, how we walk on eggshells every day.. And that the thought has crossed my mind more often than not lately..

I think, the only reason I don’t is that I’d get caught and go to prison for the rest of my life. Then who would take care of my babies?


Still….. The thought is there..


And the tears won’t stop…

Today I did my normal volunteering at the food bank, brought home some almond milk, cereal and yummy watermelon. I was in a great mood as I pulled the bike into the garage.

Then husband came into the garage.

I knew by the look on his face that something was up. He was supposed to go see his mother today at 2 and it was 1:30. He wasn’t going to go because something came up with his mother.

Then he informed me that middle son was grounded, again, for 72 hours. Why? Because he’d walked 4 miles to the lumber store and bought some cat 5 cable with his allowance. He wanted to move his computer into his room and was afraid to ask husband if he could use the cat5. He knew husband would make a fuss.

I lost it. I’ll admit I went overboard. I was tired, hungry and hadn’t even gotten off the motorcycle yet. I went apeshit. I told him he needed to grow up and stop treating my son with such incredible disrespect, that if he wasn’t such an asshole, maybe middle wouldn’t be afraid of him.

For an hour I ranted and fumed. The more I ranted, the more I cried. The more I cried, the madder I got. I finally went and laid down, crying myself to sleep. I slept 2 hours. Since then, my eyes have been constantly watering.

I’m broken and the tears just won’t stop. When he asked me if he should leave, I said yes, I don’t care any more.

He’s still here and so are the tears.

I wish I could win the lottery and get the fuck out of here…

This is going to sound strange I know…

Let me say, first and foremost, that I don’t consider myself one of those tin hat wearing abduction people. I know there’s no way we can be the only ones in this big huge immense universe but I’m sure they have better things to do besides bug me. But….. something happened that may have changed everything I’ve known.

Last Monday I was walking the dog at 2 in the morning. I always walk the same way and it takes me about 30 minutes round trip. This morning would prove to be different.

As I rounded a corner and looked up, I spotted a light above the berm that used to be the railroad tracks. It was odd in that the colors were blue, pink, purple and gold, flashing or pulsing weirdly. It wasn’t an airplane, that I knew.

As my dog sniffed around, I took out my cell phone and found it was dead even though I’d JUST taken it off the charger. When I looked up, as I put it back in my pocket, I realized the light was getting closer.

I turned and started to run off to the house because I was getting freaked out and the dog was whining. Before I could get a few feet, we were bathed in a greenish-yellow light.

The next thing I know, I was about 400 feet from where I’d been and the dog was laying down, whimpering. I ran home and plugged in the cell phone, looked at the clock and… it was 2 and a half hours later.

I was exhausted and sat on the recliner, falling immediately to sleep. Since then, I’ve had two or three bloody noses a day.

On Sunday, I got video of a light in the sky that looked eerily familiar. My husband thought I was nuts till Sunday, now he wants to go out with me every time I go outside. I dunno what he thinks he’s going to do if they come back. Not like he could protect me!

Utter Exhaustion

Today I’m of a mind to sleep all day but I have things to do. I’ll be taking my mother some canned goods today and picking up my sewing machine. Hopefully I can talk to her this weekend. I need mommy advice.

My eldest is in the hospital, getting stabilized on her meds. Youngest child went for his titration on Thursday and I spent too much money on food while we were gone. Husband is not pleased. It’s been quiet this weekend but I know he’s angry just by the way he’s acting. The snide comments, the sighs, the frustration in his voice.

He hit me last night. In his sleep, he punched me in the back as I slept. Today, I’m sore on my right shoulder blade by my spine and I have a bruise, angry and purple. Youngest saw it and asked me what happened. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know.

I wonder if he was acting out in his sleep what he wants to do in waking life. It wouldn’t surprise me. I wonder if he was really asleep. That frightens me.

I’ve been utterly exhausted all week but I’ve kept on keeping on. As I will continue to do. Till I can’t anymore.