Drowning in Grief

There is so much to so today. Yesterday the autopsy was done. I struggled to breathe all day. It was like the life had been completely sucked out of me. I was supposed to make a million calls but only called his eye doctor so they would stop texting appointment reminders. I need to call the dentist, the bank, the bills are all in his name, Social security I’ll call Friday, when I get the death certificate…. I called the insurance company today only to find out there is no insurance on him. Only me and my son. Not any on our son. Tomorrow I have to go to the coroner’s office to pick up his things and the death certificate. Today I’m in contact with victim services to see about getting rental assistance and things like that.

Today, I’m crying as I pack away his clothing. I found his wedding ring and just bawled for half an hour. I’m not even sure why it’s not on his finger. I’m wearing it with my ring now. It feels right.  At this moment, I am laying down, writing and crying. I feel so empty inside. I feel sick to my stomach and so God awful tired. It’s been three days since he died and everything feels so WRONG. Why did he have to be taken from me?

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He’s gone…

Today, at 3:30 AM, I found my husband dead, laying in the bed beside me. He was 57 years old.  After struggling with dementia, heart issues, stomach issues… He’s finally at rest.

Now, I have to help my 14 year old, type 1 diabetic, son through the process of grieving his father. In 10 days he will turn 15. How do I help him understand? Husband was very sick. This my son knew but I don’t think any of us expected him to be gone…. not yet…

Damnit it’s not fair. My son should be hugging his father, not burying him. I’m not supposed to be a widow, for the second fucking time, before I’m 50. We don’t even know what killed him!

So far I know of no insurance, no burial plots, no money to bury him and his name was on ALL the bills AND the bank account. No will. NOTHING.

The only good thing is: The last thing we said to eachother was “I love you”