Last night wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Only one of the dogs slept against my spine. The other crammed herself against my buttox and rested quietly. Today, I hurt so, I’m smoking my pain killer and hoping things calm down appreciably.
Something I haven’t talked about much is mental illness. It is prevalent in my family. Husband is bipolar and has early dementia, elder child is schizophrenic and bipolar, Middle has mild autism and youngest has panic disorder. I myself have been diagnosed with many different mental issues over the years including bipolar, multiple personality disorder (mpd/did) social anxiety and depression.
I am, for the past 14 years, unmedicated. Husband takes numerous medications as does elder child. The other two are not medicated. I can always tell when husband and elder haven’t taken their meds. Things start to get a bit wild around here.
Living in a house with this much disorder and chaos is hard. The pins and needles, walking on eggshells and constant diligence on my part are wearing me down. I definitely FEEL the pressure when it starts to rise.
Husband doesn’t do well when the house is full like it is today so he’s crawled into his computer and it might be a few hours before we speak with him again. At least he’s not violent today. Daughter has crawled into the garage with her laptop. She’ll be out for dinner…. maybe. Middle has gone to his job. He seems to be thriving well at work and yesterday I talked to his supervisor who said he’s a joy to work with, never gives her any lip and is so very respectful to the customers. Made my heart swell to hear that! Youngest is playing video games with his internet friends, as per usual. Mom is reading on the couch and elder brother is at the kitchen table working on a thesis. After 10 years of homelessness, he’s almost finished his doctorate in aerospace engineering! I’m so very proud of him!
I wonder, in the dark of night, what will become of my family in the near future. In five years, will my babies all be out on their own or will they still be in my home? I KNOW middle will be gone. He hates it here because of husband. Eldest might still be here… youngest will be here, I think. Husband may be gone by then. Dementia is an awful disease…. Either he’ll be gone or I will. One way or another.