Cold Cases (or NOW they believe me!)

This morning, I received a phone call that was 12 years in the making. It was from the local police station.

In 2002 I was a young woman, with a very young child and a fiance. We were in the process of selling his condo and looking forward to a new life together as a family.

One day, while my future husband was at work, I was cleaning the condo. There was going to be an open house in two days and everything had to be perfect.

It was a warm, spring day and I had opened the doors and windows and was running the vacuum cleaner when I felt a hand cover my mouth. For the next hour, the man raped me while my son was locked out on the balcony.


I honestly don’t remember what happened after he left except that I had an immense amount of pain between my legs. I vaguely remember the police and the ambulance ride to the hospital. They did a rape kit and I went home.

Two days later, I went to the police station where I was accused of lying about the attack. I was berated and badgered till I recanted my story. Then, they took my son away and sent him to another state to live with his father.


I went through hell with this. I put myself into the mental ward because I was so confused about everything. Were they right? Did I dream it all? Was I CRAZY?!? I went through 12 YEARS of doubting myself, therapy and nightmares.

This morning was the detective calling. They have “new information” in the case and want me to come talk to them again. I have my reservations. I just pray that he hasn’t hurt someone else and that the police could have gotten this guy off the streets if they hadn’t been so insistent on victim blaming that they missed something of major importance.


I hope my youngest never finds out but…. They might have to do a DNA test….


Christmas Joy in the worst of times

Christmas was a pretty great day. The local police brought a bunch of presents to the children, much to their delight. My cousin sent each of the kids a 50 dollar gift card and my mother was stopped as she was walking home from work and given 20 dollars by a complete stranger.

Husband has been quiet and non combative, thank the stars! Sixteen year old is adjusting to his first job well and my older brother came to stay for a few days.

Initially he was only going to stay till Saturday but the snow fell deeper than initially predicted and I couldn’t let him leave. He’s homeless and… where would he go??

I could tell, over the weekend, that husband was trying VERY hard not to cause a scene. He would come into the bedroom and fuss over me because I have been dealing with a migraine since Friday evening. It’s still here on Monday morning.

This morning, husband has already started on middle son. Complaining that middle hasn’t been very helpful in doing the dishes and his chores. Middle voiced his frustration at being griped at first thing in the morning and husband got loud.

ANNNND the cycle begins again.

Feeling a bit lost today..

Today, the day after we celebrated Christmas, I was told about my Jewish lineage.

To say I was stunned would be an understatement.

All my life, I thought I was just Irish and Indian but, it turns out that there is German blood in there as well. Jewish German blood.

My mother spoke to me about my lineage today and told me stories about my grandmother and HER mothers escape from Germany right before the Holocaust. I didn’t ask but wondered why she waited to tell me. I’m 46 years old for crying out loud!

Now I have to wonder what else I’ve not been told that I SHOULD have been told…

Power Trips

Today, my middle son got his first job. Already husband is making demands on his pay checks. He wants half of the money my son will be making, for food and utilities.

The child is only 16. It’s his first job and husband just doesn’t see how much of an asshole he’s being. When I told husband I was upset with him for making such unreasonable demands, he started throwing his passive aggressive temper tantrum. I would not back down. I think he’s being quite unreasonable.

Middle son has plans for the spring. He’s leaving home and wants to save the money for his necessities. Husband says he can’t have his entire check. Middle and I have already discussed that he will give SOME of his check to the house for food and such but the majority is HIS, as is right. It’s HIS job, HIS money.

Middle now needs a bank account to direct deposit his checks in. I need to find out how much one will cost to open. He needs a couple of pairs of black pants and black shoes, more money out the door and husband is mad about THAT.


ARGH I swear I’m hating him more and more every day!!

Holidays, why do we need them?

Today I’m thinking about the holidays and how much they suck ass when you’re poor.

For the 5th year in a row, there’s not enough money for gifts and barely enough for food. I have managed to squirrel away a little money, with my mothers help but have to prioritize. Do I want to use the 200 dollars to buy the boys presents or save it, just in case we have to leave suddenly? Do I want to make the holidays nice for the kids or try to leave in the spring, after I’ve saved enough money for a deposit on an apartment for the boys and I?

My mother is staying with us after getting evicted in November. She’s been slipping me a few dollars for the past three weeks because she’s seen, first hand, how we live in this hell and wants to help us leave. She’s also putting aside 20 dollars a week for us, in an emergency fund, only to be used if we leave. I’m grateful for her help, believe me! Thank God for mothers!

The day before Thanksgiving, the local police came by. It was an officer who’s been here frequently this year and knows our family. He signed the boys up for their toy/clothing drive. When I told him that the boys hadn’t had coats for two years, he wrote it down with a frown. Then I reached to the coat hook by the door and handed him the coat that was given to the youngest last year. It was too small and still had the tag on it. I couldn’t return it because the woman had gotten it from a clothing bank. I told him the story behind it and asked him to find a kid it would actually fit. At least SOMEONE could use it.

I honestly hate holidays…. In the past 5 years, I’ve gotten no presents. Two years ago NO ONE got presents. I cried because of this. My husband had spent our present money getting his motorcycle fixed…. Last year, the only present the boys got was from their God parents. Being poor sucks during the holidays.

To kill or not…

I was asked something yesterday that, because of WHO asked me, shook me to the core. I was asked why I didn’t just kill my husband.

This question didn’t even phase me at first because I thought he was joking but then I looked into his eyes and I knew he wasn’t. I laughed a little and admitted it HAD crossed my mind a few times.

He started going on about the reasons he thought I should, like the financial. That was the main one. He went on about how he had given my husband a lot of money and how he was supposed to pay him back and that if it was up to him, I’d be a widow by now. How, after my settlement and finding out my husband spent 15K on Thomas the Train shit for the baby, he’d have murdered him without a thought.

I admitted that was one time I thought about it. He had used the money that was SUPPOSED to go to fix my teeth to buy TOYS for crying out loud! And the toys weren’t even used but a few weeks… Ten years later and my teeth STILL aren’t fixed.

My friend doesn’t know half of it. He doesn’t know about the verbal onslaughts every day, the intermittent violence, how we walk on eggshells every day.. And that the thought has crossed my mind more often than not lately..

I think, the only reason I don’t is that I’d get caught and go to prison for the rest of my life. Then who would take care of my babies?


Still….. The thought is there..