Learning to be Peaceful

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue but I’ve been working on my tact. I’m normally the first person to make snide retorts when I’ve been hurt by someone’s words but I’m learning.

My daughter has been going with me to the food bank. Two days last week she went and worked. Friday a woman, with whom I’ve had issues with before, came in and started getting ready to work. I introduced her to my daughter and they exchanged pleasantries then my daughter went back to work, clear across the warehouse from this woman.

Three hours later, the woman came to me and said “I can definitely see she’s your daughter. It’s always drama with her.”

I just laughed it off and continued working. I asked my daughter if she’d said anything to the woman and she said “not since she came in. I’ve been too busy!”

Later, this same woman came to me and said something that I ALMOST lost my cool over. I was talking to another lady about my health and Snippy (my nickname for this woman) said “You’re not the only one with issues you know” My remark to her? “Yeah, I know, you seem to be suffering from mental health issues.” She left me alone for the rest of the day.

Today, I was in a LOT of pain with my shoulder but I kept working, unloading three pallets of cases full of milk and cottage cheese. I noticed she stood back and watched. She said “I’d help but my back hurts”. My comment to her “that’s ok, we able bodied folks got this. Why don’t you go see if there’s a box of chips you can raid”

The able-bodied folks included an 85 year old woman, myself, a guy who only had his left arm and a 3 foot tall woman. We got it done and what surprised me was no one said anything about it. They ALL dislike her, mostly because of her attitude.

She talks about being a Christian, how she goes to church every Sunday yet she cannot say one nice thing to anyone. I’m trying to be civil. I’m learning to be at peace with those around me. It’s hard but… I’m learning.

Either that or I’m waiting for an opportunity to catch her alone and kick her ass…

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Um, Lord, Maybe You Forgot But…

I’m terrified of thunder. Have been since I was twenty and was almost struck by lightning.

I was walking past a light pole when it struck and blew up the transformer. I remember feeling the heat, seeing the flash and being deafened by the blast. I was tossed into the air like a rag doll and landed 5 feet away.

I remember lying there, stunned and not really sure WHAT happened. I saw the transformer on fire and couldn’t figure out why it was in front of me instead of on the pole where it was supposed to be. Then it dawned on me, as I heard absolutely NOTHING. I was dead.

I was laying in my body but couldn’t hear anything. Up to the point that I sat up, I KNEW I was dead. I tried to sit up and suddenly my body remembered to SCREAM in protest. I seriously thought I’d broken every bone in my body.

A woman came running over to me, asking if I was ok. I couldn’t hear. Luckily I’d learned, from a young age, to lip read. I told her I couldn’t hear her and could she please call an ambulance. Just about the time I finished asking, I saw the ambulance pull up. I saw the lights but heard nothing.

They got me to the hospital and the doctors admitted me for observation and, sometime in the middle of the night, the hearing in my left ear returned.

I would never get the hearing in my right ear back. The episode shattered two of my ear bones and the mastoid bone. They couldn’t even tell how bad it was until they did an MRI. I had micro fissures in every inch of my mastoid bone. The cochlea was broken, the malleus and incus were trashed. My eardrum had ruptured. It was a mess. It’s been twenty six years and so far, everything is still there. Except my hearing.

As I’ve moved through my life, the ringing in my head from the damage to the left ear has been a constant irritation. Sometimes I can’t hear past it. I can’t hear certain sounds. The higher the pitch, the less I hear. Listening to a soprano sing is torture for me, only because her voice cuts out at certain parts so it makes the aria hard to follow.

Anyway, today I laid down for a nap at eleven after going to the food bank to unload trucks and get the meat they give to volunteers who come in on a day when we weren’t open. At three pm I was rudely awakened by Mother Nature sending me a wake up call. KABOOM!

The storms weren’t supposed to start till five thirty….

I guess God forgot the schedule and sent them a little early…

Police and Lack of Intervention

Today the police were at my house. Three of them. Because middle child punched husband in the mouth.

No one went to jail. They told son to control himself and husband was told he could discipline son.

Absolutely nothing was done.

I was not at home when the fight happened. I’d gone to take my mother some food because she is pretty much out. I was gone for 2 hours.

I guess this means I can’t leave them alone together at ALL so I can’t go to work the food bank anymore.

Feeling defeated today 😦

I am Blessed

Even with as bad as things are now, I have the ability to proclaim that I am, indeed, blessed.

Today I met a woman who had to give up her 5 children, all under the age of 10. She gave them up because, according to her, the state of Texas declared her unfit because she has seizures. She is now childless, homeless and alone. I weep for her and the pain she must feel.

I cannot imagine losing all your children and still surviving, still WANTING to survive. I lost one child at 18 months old and thought my world had come to an end.

I have my children, an apartment and my meager health. I have a supportive mother, friends and neighbors. I am loved and am able to love. I can walk. I can sing. I can laugh. I live.

Even when we think nothing can be worse, there is ALWAYS someone worse off.

I thank my Higher Power for reminding me of this today.

How Long?

I sit here wondering how much longer I can stand this crap. I’m tired. The kids are tired. We are all sick and tired of walking on eggshells. How much till I finally snap and either remove him, permanently, from our lives or pack up the kids and leave?

First thing this morning, I left my bedroom and went into the kitchen where husband was griping about the hooks being pulled off the wall, again. We have these Command hooks on the wall and the only one that always manages to come off is the one my sons dogs leash is hooked to. I know why it’s coming off but if I told husband, he’d flip shit.

When the dog wants to go for a walk and no one is paying attention to her, she grabs the leash and pulls. She weighs enough that the hook just pops off the wall. I tried to tell him that but he blew up at me, saying I was taking up for my son. {Le sigh}

He’s sulking this week. Again. Like a petulant child who isn’t getting his way. All weekend I’ve had to be out among them, trying to keep the peace with minimal success. Husband acted like a complete ass in front of sons friend. I’m not even sure why!

How much longer? I pray a way comes open soon. I don’t know how much more I can take.

cant