Totally confused about Racism

OK, so I volunteer at the local food bank every Thursday (when there’s no Dr appts) and today was surreal.

I was working the bread section and hustling my ass off when an elderly lady of color came up and asked if we had a specific item. I told her I’d see what we had. When I brought it back to her, she squinted at me and frowned. Then she asked me what a white woman was doin in HER food bank. I told her I was helping out.

The woman went NUTS, ranting about how black folk don’t be needin no racist ass honkey bitch helping her. She was yelling about white privilege and how we white folks should stay to ourselves and leave them alone. She was, by the time they got her moved out, screaming about all us white sluts wanting to sleep with their men…

I was in tears by the time she left. I’ve always tried to stand up for EVERYONE, regardless of color, religion or disability. I yell at my friends and family if they discriminate blacks, use the N word, talk shit about my black friends. Then here comes a woman, who I’ve NEVER seen before and yells at me about me being racist SOLELY on the premise that I’m white. What the fuck?

I am completely confused about how someone can be so hateful to someone just because they are a different color. I wish SOMEONE could explain. I honestly don’t understand.

Especially when I was talking about helping at the food bank, not because a bunch of black people go there but because it’s where I get a lot of MY food…. I was helping out the COMMUNITY and my family. Does that make me a racist?????


Migraine, Seizure, Domestic Violence Test

So, yesterday I wasn’t feeling real well. Got out of bed with visual auras at 10AM. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, let me¬†show you a clip. Mine is called the Fortification Spectrum.

My auras usually last 20 minutes, giving me time to get my meds, lay down and let the meds kick in before the headache is at it’s worst. Yesterday, it lasted 5 minutes.

I took my meds and laid down in my room, sans noise, light or ANY electronics. I shut EVERYTHING off. Then I fell asleep by 10:45 (this after sleeping 15 hours day/night before.

At 5 I woke up, head still hurting but not as bad. I knew from experience that the headache was on the downhill slide. Husband comes in and says the boys found me on the floor around 12:00, head beside the desk, feet in the bathroom. I was unresponsive for round 30 seconds and weak, stumbling and incoherent while the three of them got me to the bed.

Not sure if it was a seizure but it FEELS like I had one. I’m tired.. no, EXHAUSTED and sore. Not Fibro sore, more like grand mal sore. I think I might have sprained or broken my pinkie too… The knuckle is painful and swollen.

Husband cancelled youngests appointment to his dr so I would be able to rest. Unfortunately that means we have to start his treatments all over again on the 19th. *sigh* Husband COULDN’T take son to the drs. He had to go across town to pick his motorcycle up from the shop….

Priorities, right?

My doctor asked why I didn’t go to the ER. I told him that, by the time I woke up, everything was done. He wants me to get an MRI on my head to make sure it wasn’t a stroke.

Can’t WAIT to tell husband THAT wonderful bit of news…

I’ve been doing some research on something and have come to understand, I think, what’s wrong with my husband. Something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I also did one of those mini quizzes… Scored an 18

If you scored… Then…
11 & up
6 – 10
0 – 5
Domestic abuse is likely
Domestic abuse is possible
Domestic abuse is unlikely

You are the victim of emotional abuse if your partner:

  • Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating.
  • Always claims to be right.
  • Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
  • Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
  • Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
  • Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
  • Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
  • Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
  • Monitors your phone calls.

You are a victim of physical abuse if your partner:

  • Intimidates you through angry or threatening gestures.
  • Destroys your belongings or household items.
  • Coerces you to have sex or perform sexual acts against your will.
  • Kicks, bites, stabs, pushes, burns or chokes you.
  • Uses weapons to threaten or harm you or others you love.

Yeah…. so… I’m definitely at a crossroads in my life right now.

Oh and the washing machine issue… it WAS my middle childs fault. He washed a stuffed animal in the washer and it tore open…. Husband has been cocky as hell and on sons ass since we found out.

There will be no living with that man for a few days….

Another Day in “Paradise”

Well, it’s a little after 8 in the morning and husband is already on the warpath. Aparently middle child did something to the washing machine and now it won’t drain or spin. It’s all his fault and nothing I say can change husbands mind.

Never mind that the washer was here before we moved in 6 years ago.

Never mind that we do 2 loads of laundry every day.

Never mind my eldests laundry had to be run through an extra spin cycle three days ago.

Every time ANYTHING goes wrong in this house, it’s middle childs fault.

You know something I’ve realized? Writing all this shit down is making me see things in a much different light. My life, my CHILDRENS lives, are worse than I realized and the only one who can change it is me.

Jinxed it :(

15 year old did something to irritate husband. Husband added another week to his computer banishment. What he did was get on the Xbox to play a racing game with eldest child. Eldest said she didn’t know about the Xbox being on the list of nonos.

Now husband is sulking because I told him it wasn’t fair for him to keep adding to the punishment for such minor infractions. I told him that eldest should be punished instead because she WAS told about the electronics ban but failed to remember it. I KNOW she was told because it was at the family meeting that we had after middle childs infraction.

Peace is never long around here. I suppose I was lucky it lasted the two days it had.

Middle child has informed us that he is leaving home after his 16th birthday. Four months, maybe six. I’m going to TRY to talk him into staying at least till Spring but… I can’t stop him. I know, I know I’m still responsible for him but, perhaps he will be better off if he does leave and go find his way in life. At least he won’t have husband giving him such a constant stream of hatred.

Maybe by then I can get out of this shit myself…

So far, All Quiet…

Today, so far, is quiet. Yesterday was one of those increasingly rare days when there was no anger displayed, no names called and no punches being thrown. It was so nice!

I’ve been in a fibro flare since Thursday after taking youngest to the dr. The tiredness and pain needs to just go away ūüė¶

The shoulder has calmed down a little with me learning to use my left arm more. I’m able to write even more legibly now, can cook and even clean as long as I’m careful not to overdo it.

My husband still says I’m faking it. He still wants me to continue cooking and cleaning and when I CAN’T…. I still have to.

The children are doing more though so I guess it’s ok. Middle son helped me with the cooking yesterday and youngest vacuumed the living room and mopped the bathrooms. Husband watched a new series on the computer….

I’ve noticed something this week. As long as we are cleaning or cooking or out of his hair, husband doesn’t get upset. As long as we are productive, he’s happy…. Are we automatons? Servants to be seen and not heard, as long as we are working? I swear that’s the way I feel today.

Just enjoying the peace, no matter how ambiguous.

An Open Letter to my Sister-in-law


I know that you are going through a hard time right now with trying to take care of your children and mother. I know the death of your baby brother hurt you to the core since it was you who found him like that. For that, I’m sorry. I wish I could take that experience away. My heart aches for you in your struggles, it honestly does. I know we have never seen eye to eye about much of anything but, you are part of my life and when you hurt, so do I. I hope that you can find peace in whatever way is right for you.

I know you don’t like me and neither does your mother. I’ve always known your mother didn’t approve of me, no matter how hard I tried. I gave up trying to please her years ago. I don’t matter but your brother does.

Yesterday he cried. REALLY cried. I heard him sobbing in the bedroom and went to check on him. He told me that mother is dying and that you yelled at him because he doesn’t come see her. When you said that you never wanted to talk to him again, you broke him.

You know he’s blind yet you want him to drive over there to see her. REALLY???

You know we have to rely on others for transport or take a three hour (one way) ride on the bus to mothers house to see her. Then the mile walk from the bus to her house. You DO know he has dementia, right? You DO know that if he has an episode, he won’t be around ANYTHING familiar and he’ll get lost, alone.

You see your mother EVERY day. You drive from your house to hers in your luxury car, past our house, EVERY DAY. Why can’t you stop and get him? He would love nothing more than to see his mother before she passes. Why not be a real sister and HELP HIM??

It’s 10:00 in the morning and he’s gone back to bed. I can hear him crying and there’s nothing I can do to make any of this better. It breaks my heart the way you’ve treated him over the years, yet he still calls¬†mother at LEAST once a week.

When your brother died, it tore him up. They had JUST reconciled the week before his death. He doesn’t even remember the funeral. Yesterday he asked if he could go see him and when I told him that he couldn’t, he was beyond distraught. I thought he’d never stop crying. This was after your call with him. Today he’s been distracted, disorganized , stressed and now he’s shut down.

When your mother is gone and you’ve gone about your life without your brother, what will you do when he dies? Will you feel ANYTHING? We won’t have a funeral. He wants to be cremated and spread over the mountains.

Do you know that, for the past ten years, he’s contemplated just walking away from the family? Your anger and hatred toward me and your attitude every time the two of you talk has been why. More times than I can count he’s talked to me about just walking away and I’ve talked him out of it. I’ve reminded him to call mother. I’ve talked him OUT of calling you and telling you to go fuck yourself.

No more. If you don’t want to talk to him again, you won’t have to. I hope you’ll at least tell him when mother dies so we don’t have to read the obit in the paper.

When she’s gone, you’ll never hear from us again if that’s your wish. He’ll be dead to you, just like everyone else in your family. I hope you enjoy your life. Or change yourself before it’s too late.

Frustration and More Frustration

So I had to take middle son to the therapy center this morning for intake. We had to take the bus and be there by 7:30. I was awakened by the shoulder pain at 3:30 so my day started out shitty.

I decided to see about getting myself some mental health help since I’m struggling so hard with things going on here at home with hubby. Found out they don’t take my insurance so… No help there.

They asked if we wanted to do family therapy but I know it wouldn’t help. We tried it before and after we were released from therapy, things got worse.

This week has been hell. Hubby is PMSing or something. He’s been grouchy and grumpy, bitching about EVERYTHING. I’m seriously thinking about just packing our stuff and leaving. I’m tired and frustrated and sick of the shit.

I truly wish I were in better shape financially but even though my name is now on the bank account, I STILL haven’t gotten my bank card. I don’t know if it came in and he’s hidden it or if the bank just hasn’t sent it. It’s been like three months! I honestly feel that he’s gotten it and has hidden it though, just because he’s that type of man. It took 12 YEARS to get him to put me on the account!

I know this is a toxic relationship but how do I get out? I haven’t heard from the housing people and the crisis shelter won’t allow my middle son to stay there since he’s 15. Where the HELL is he supposed to go? He’s still a child!