I sometimes wonder….

How one person can put up with the things I have to go through every day. It’s always something. It’s said that you never know what burdens or storms another person has even if they tell you. It sucks being so alone.

For three days I’ve been putting my “good face” on. You know, the one that says “I’m fine and the world couldn’t be better” while inside you’re screaming “HELP ME!!!!” It doesn’t do any good to scream… nobody’s listening anyway.

For three days, I’ve barely been able to move because of the pain. Three days I’ve gotten up, cooked and cleaned and tended the kids without help. Hubby has had a migraine for four days and hasn’t eaten in three days. He’s managed to take all MY migraine meds and now I have none except the ones I hid from him.

It’s the 15th of June and I honestly don’t think we will have enough food to make it through to the third. I’m down to eating once every two days just to make sure the kids have enough to eat. I’ll have to go to the food bank this week and do some volunteering to get extra food to make it. I can stand to go without a couple meals a day. I’m fat. The kids though… They need to eat. It’s a good thing I know how to cook from scratch. Even if they DON’T like having rice and gravy twice a week. I need to figure out what to do with the canned salmon we got from the food bank last week. The only thing I know is salmon cakes but we’re out of bread crumbs. I suppose I could make my own… We have a LOT of bread from the food bank. Seems that’s the majority of what they give.

This weekend is Fathers Day and the kids want to buy dad something. We don’t have any money so I told them we should MAKE him something. Youngest reminded me of the LAST time they made dad something…. It wasn’t pretty and the boys won’t do it again. They “don’t want the drama”.  It might be better if we just make him a cake. I DO have the mixes and the 24th IS his birthday… Perhaps an early birthday party is in order 🙂


6 thoughts on “I sometimes wonder….

  1. Hi there, I can’t find your “About” page, or I would have put this there instead 🙂

    I wanted to say thanks for the follow on my blog, so, thankyou! I appreciate it.

    Reading this post makes me sad and angry on your behalf. I’m so very sorry to see that you’re forced to deal with so much crap, I really am. Abusive relationships are damaging for the abused even if they’re fit and healthy, but to be ill and having to navigate egg-shells and minefields every day is extremely detrimental to your poor health. I managed to get free of my abusive relationship a few years ago, but I understand how hard it is to do that. Is there absolutely no-one, or no agency, who can help and support you through this?

    I was lucky enough to find myself a lovely, good, kind man after I broke free. There IS hope for you and your sons. There IS someone right for you out there, someone who will be your partner, not your dictator and tormentor. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. I felt unable to justify leaving my rotten ex until I finally saw him totally lose it one night, and saw that next time he would certainly hit me. Please don’t leave it until you’re in fear for your own safety. It’s no life. I understand you must be scared (I know I was) and perhaps you could find the number of a women’s refuge, or a charity that can help you, or at least point you out in the right direction. You really need some professional support in this shitty, dangerous situation.

    Meanwhile, keep safe. You have your boys to think about.

    L. X


    1. I ended up making BBQ chicken thanks to the kids Godparents. They went and got the meat and I already had the sauce. The boys went out and gathered some dead fall for the fire and we had an old fashioned cook out. Hubby had a migraine (again) and bowed out of the greater part of the day. He fought with the middle child and every time he does, he doesn’t eat because he’s “too upset” He made a cake on Saturday night and I frosted it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes and thank you for the comment. I have, this past week, put into motion our retreat from this nightmare. After thinking about his words and seeing the look on my middle sons face, I decided that things HAVE to change. If that means me leaving, then I will. I’m on a list for housing, nonemergency with the option to be moved to the emergency list if needed. Contacted the womens shelter nearest me and have their number on my cell, my sons cell and in the bottom of my wallet in case I can’t grab my cell.

        I’m scared but I’m tired too…. Too tired to live like this any more.


      2. I understand that. It’s a good start, and a brave one, to have made contact with the shelter and the housing people. Well done! I know this won’t be easy, but it WILL be, when you’re out. You don’t yet realise how bad things are. No-one does til you get out. Then you realise you’ve been holding your breath for years. Your shoulders will suddenly drop to someplace below your ears, where you’ll have been hunching them up all this time. Your latest post, about this man blaming your son for having medical needs, was heart-wrenchinh. If you start to lose your resolve, if you try to tell yourself it isn’t that bad, keep your sons in mind, and the expression on your boys’ faces when this sorry excuse for a man takes his spite and meanness out on the,. It isn’t about only you; you NEED to do this for your kids.

        I wish you every luck with it. I’m here if you need to talk.

        L. X

        Liked by 1 person

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