6 weeks

It’s been a little more than 6 weeks since husband died. Life has continued for the rest of us. I struggle, daily, to keep a strong front for the children while I’m slowly dying inside.

I miss him. As I lay in bed after work, I find myself thinking about him. The tears wet my cheeks at the drop of a hat. It’s annoying, honestly. Today I was at the grocery store and someone asked if I was ok. Tears were streaming down my face and I hadn’t realised I was crying. I can’t seem to do anything but work without crying and even that is hard if someone says anything about my husband.

I started a new job last week. I’m now working as a shipping clerk in a tiny little company that treats me more like family than an employee. It’s very nice but very hard work. So many things I have to learn and it’s all on the job training. I come home exhausted every day. An hour nap and I’m a little better but man, the last hour of work is torture!

Youngest is struggling with his schooling. Not in the coursework but actually DOING it. He is so far behind in his classes that I worry he will fail even though his grades are awesome. I may have to put him in public school or get him a tutor.

Middle is feeling horrible. I think depression is gripping him. He is angry at husband for not apologizing for being so mean to him and cannot seem to let it go. Anger is common with him right now and I fear he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has started therapy but I don’t think it’s the right kind.

Eldest is making me crazy. She REFUSES to do ANY chores. She is sleeping a LOT and has been late for work frequently in the past couple of weeks. It’s almost like she has NO work ethics. I truly don’t understand why it’s so damned hard for her to get out of bed lately. Is she just being defiant or is she depressed as well?

 

I have to remind myself that we are all grieving in our own way. I just wish I could help them but right now I’m barely holding on myself.

 

46 days and counting.

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So Unbelievably Tired

Why is it that the times you desperately need sleep, it eludes you like a dollar in a tornado? Since Mike has been gone these three weeks, I can’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. I can’t think, I’ve lost my drivers license, my wallet twice, my phone a dozen times and I have no clue where my husbands phone is….. I JUST had it….

I’m supposed to be starting a new job next week and my employer needs my social security card. I, AGAIN forgot to take it to him. I fell asleep again. For two hours. I posted on Facebook and went back to sleep… Three hours that time. I’ve been awake since midnight this time. It’s now 1:30 AM.

Yesterday I ate KFC for the first time in a while. That’s ALL I ate. Now I’m nauseous but not hungry. I ate a couple of those toaster hash browns about an hour ago after fixing youngest something to eat. I forgot to make dinner last night…again. I swear the kids are cooking only out of self preservation! Thank Heavens they are old enough to do that.

I think I need to go see my doctor and see if he can give me something to help me sleep. I can’t go on much longer like this….

Drowning in Grief

There is so much to so today. Yesterday the autopsy was done. I struggled to breathe all day. It was like the life had been completely sucked out of me. I was supposed to make a million calls but only called his eye doctor so they would stop texting appointment reminders. I need to call the dentist, the bank, the bills are all in his name, Social security I’ll call Friday, when I get the death certificate…. I called the insurance company today only to find out there is no insurance on him. Only me and my son. Not any on our son. Tomorrow I have to go to the coroner’s office to pick up his things and the death certificate. Today I’m in contact with victim services to see about getting rental assistance and things like that.

Today, I’m crying as I pack away his clothing. I found his wedding ring and just bawled for half an hour. I’m not even sure why it’s not on his finger. I’m wearing it with my ring now. It feels right.  At this moment, I am laying down, writing and crying. I feel so empty inside. I feel sick to my stomach and so God awful tired. It’s been three days since he died and everything feels so WRONG. Why did he have to be taken from me?

He’s gone…

Today, at 3:30 AM, I found my husband dead, laying in the bed beside me. He was 57 years old.  After struggling with dementia, heart issues, stomach issues… He’s finally at rest.

Now, I have to help my 14 year old, type 1 diabetic, son through the process of grieving his father. In 10 days he will turn 15. How do I help him understand? Husband was very sick. This my son knew but I don’t think any of us expected him to be gone…. not yet…

Damnit it’s not fair. My son should be hugging his father, not burying him. I’m not supposed to be a widow, for the second fucking time, before I’m 50. We don’t even know what killed him!

So far I know of no insurance, no burial plots, no money to bury him and his name was on ALL the bills AND the bank account. No will. NOTHING.

The only good thing is: The last thing we said to eachother was “I love you”

Adrift in this sea called life

via Daily Prompt: Adrift

Today the storm has swelled. I am overwhelmed with the very thought of taking care of my family, my husband in particular. With tears in my eyes, I’ve watched him struggle all day. The dementia washes over him deeply today and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. It’s like he’s adrift at sea, tossed by the thoughts that have no rhyme or reason. Where will he land? Will tomorrow see the storm calmed? I can see him drowning and there’s no life preserver in sight. I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do.

He asked when middle son had to leave for prom. Middle son is homeschooled. There is no prom. He is so lost and I don’t know what I can do to help him. He asks when eldest is getting home as he takes the 2 hour old dinner from the microwave and starts to toss it in the trash because he thinks it’s left over from last night. Eldest is in her room, talking to middle and hasn’t left the house all day. It’s 8 P.M. He thinks it’s morning. He doesn’t realise it’s the youngest child’s dinner, keeping warm till he awakens from his slumber.

I try to get him to go back to the bed he’s lain in all day. He argues and fusses that he’s not tired. He stumbles from the kitchen as I make him scrambled eggs and hash browns with a bit of bacon chopped up in it. I give him his plate and he spills half on the floor.  He tries to clean it up but the dogs beat him to it. They have grown accustomed to cleaning up after him I think.

I wonder, briefly, if he’s had a stroke as I watch him eat. He chokes, momentarily, on the food and my breath catches. Will I have to put him in the hospital again with aspiration pneumonia or should I just let him go? I have to walk away, feigning a bathroom break, so I can allow the tears to stream freely down my cheeks for a few minutes. Waves of grief wash over me as I’m tossed about, emotionally, like driftwood in a hurricane.

I’m adrift on the sea of emotion. Alone in my torment. I have noone to talk to. The one person I had to talk to is adrift in a different part of the storm. Lost to me. Drowning.

 

The Symbiosis of Family

via Daily Prompt: Symbiosis

The relationship between myself and my children is truly symbiotic in nature. We give and take from eachother in ways that only we know. My children and I are close enough that we can finish eachothers sentences, we know what eachother are thinking much of the time and we pretty much like the same things. We feed off each others quirky natures and seem to understand the way the other is feeling, even when we aren’t physically together.

Take, for instance, last year. I was in Texas with my father, helping him and his wife while they went through cancer surgery and chemo treatments. I was, at the time, 1500 miles away from my eldest and youngest children. They had stayed in Colorado with my husband.

One particular morning, I woke up early.I was feeling overwhelmingly sad and couldn’t understand why. I sat down in the dark of the morning and closed my eyes, looking with my inner eyes. I “saw” my apartment and looked in on my sleeping husband, seeing my dog laying on my pillow. I “saw” my youngest, playing on his computer as he was apt to do in the wee hours. Then I “saw” my daughter, curled fetal on her bed, sobbing. She was so unbelievably sad about something and I mentally caressed her arm and she slowly stopped crying. Then she started softly snoring.

About three hours later, I called to talk to her. She was surprised that I called and when I asked her why she had been crying that morning, She told me the reason. Then she asked me if I’d rubbed her arm because she’d felt me. She said I was freaky because I could do that and I laughed, asking her how she thought I knew she needed me. She hadn’t realised that our connection was that strong, that she could THINK about me and I’d “hear” her need.

The connection between the people in my family has always been that way. When my mother was in Colorado and I was in North Carolina, she knew something was wrong the night I almost died. When my husband passed away, she knew before I even picked up the phone.

I remember, as a child, being outside playing and “hearing” my mother call my name. When I’d come inside, I’d ask “Mom, did you call me?” and her answer would be “No, but I was thinking about it. It’s time for dinner” It was always that way.

When I’m asked what I get from my children, I have to smile. They give me so much that it would take a lifetime to tell everything. When I’m sad, they bring me joy that makes me want to live. When I’m angry they are my calming voice. They bring an odd sense of humor to an otherwise grim world. Each brings their own personality and, somehow, they know what is needed and when it’s needed. They each, in one way or another, have saved me from myself. I gave them life…. and they have given me life as well.

After 15 years…

Today marks the first day of a new life.

I have struggled with my oral health for over 20 years. Tooth decay, broken teeth after being tortured and raped for three weeks, bad eating habits and NO dental intervention as a child.

In June, I was accepted into a program which finds dental professionals who are willing to work with disabled people by making dentures and doing dental work for free. In November I had dentures made.

The day before Christmas I was told that they had found an oral surgeon who was willing and able to do the work. On my birthday I called them and set up my appointment. Last week was the initial consult and today…. This is the day!

I’m excitedly terrified. Excited because I’ve waited so long for this day and it’s finally here. The day that I no longer have constant pain. The day that my sinus pain from my teeth stops. This is the first day of my life!!

I know, I’m being overly dramatic but, if you had to live with constant pain, throbbing, infections and the inability to eat, you’d understand. It’s been hell.

This is the perfect example of the problem with healthcare in this country, especially for disabled and elderly poor. We are given Medicaid by the state but not all Medicaid covers dental for adults. Most don’t in fact. Glasses are another issue. Some states cover them, some don’t.

Poor people in America are told “Go to the dentist” but when the dental care you NEED is going to cost you the same as your food budget for a month (or in my case 5!!) then you make sacrifices. Usually to the tune of poor health.

When you can’t chew, you can’t eat properly. We are told, especially when we are fat “eat healthier. Eat fresh veggies and fruit” Um, HELLO, I have no usable teeth! YOU try eating kale without teeth. Or an apple, pear, carrot…. Yeah right. I’ve had to juice my food for three years. I can eat solid food, IF it’s soft, like sandwiches and eggs. I’ve had to be creative with my eating AND my childrens diets. It hasn’t been easy.

Today, that all ends.

I know I’ll be sore for a while and the dentures will take some time to get used to but you know what? I’m ecstatic that it’s going to be done!

Namaste my friends 🙂